Today, Scot writes his second Guest Blog – check out his previous one here – My Life Is Far From Over.
Well anyone who has MS has been there. So where is there? The ‘there’ I’m talking about is that place you reach when you think you’ve been through everything MS can do to you and you’re sure you’ve got it this time. You’re absolutely convinced that you can take on this monster and at least hold your own.
Yes, you’re pretty sure it’s dished out all it has and you’ve survived all of it’s challenges many times over, because as we all know, MS is a ‘Repeat Offender’ – it keeps coming back time and time again with the same symptoms. For me, along with many of my fellow MSers some of those symptoms have included foot drop, tremors, numbness in most limb ,legs that become so weak that I need to use a wheelchair (at times, a walking stick always), optic neuropathy ( this one is fairly new for me). I also lose control of my tongue, speech becomes nearly impossible as does swallowing and other various little nuisances that come and go.
But over the past 17 years, going through all of these exacerbations, there has always been one small bit of relief – knowing that it would pass. In time the symptoms would subside , or go away completely and I would have a reprieve for an undetermined amount of time and I would go into remission. My original diagnosis in 1997 was relapsing/remitting MS , and as I said in my previous blog, when I got that diagnosis I felt like I had been given a death sentence. Over these past 17 years MS has given me many mountains to climb and I think I’ve climbed them very well. There have been falls along the way of course but I have always been able to get back up.
Then in November 2012 MS did it to me again – it gave me another mountain. I was given a new diagnosis. My relapsing /remitting MS was now secondary progressive MS. And for the last 2 months I find myself waking up angry every day!!! I know that there is going to be variety of emotions that I’m going to go through, but this time unlike the first time I feel physically and spiritually assaulted.
I know that in time, with support from loving family and great friends, I will learn to be able to work through all of these feelings, but right now I wake up most days feeling like I just want to give up, and I’m longing for the day when I can just sit back and accept it . And at this point I wish I could cry and just mourn whatever else it is that MS is going to take away from me now …
Thank you all so much for giving me the opportunity to do this blog. It’s helped me more than I ever realised it would. You’ve all been such a huge part of what makes the good days really good and what makes the bad days so much easier handle……