Still Waiting …

impatientNo thyroid tablets for six days now!

The weight should be dropping off!

Except, it isn’t.

I bumped into a passing acquaintance I hadn’t seen for a couple of years yesterday and we exchanged the usual, ‘how are you, so am I’.

I then waved my hands around my large body and apologised for my weight (why?). I seem to be doing that a lot over the last year or so. Embarrassment? Humiliation?

Anyway, I joked, ‘ah, pesky baby weight, lol.’

‘Aw, bless, you have a new baby?’ (I could see her mentally totting up how ancient I must be)

‘Nah, he’s 17 in August.’

‘Oh.’

I know I’m being impatient, but over the last eighteen months of thyroid tablets, I have packed on the weight. I am … massive … and I hate it. Don’t get me wrong, I never want to be skinny. I can’t quite believe I was a size 10 (ok, maybe 12) before The Teenager and I was perfectly happy with my curves and womanly figure. Right now, I’d settle for a 16.

But … this. This is unreal.

I hate mirrors. Mind you, I like mine – thank you Ikea. It’s just everyone else’s I hate. I leave the house thinking, ok, large but ok, turn to the left. Large but ok. Profile? Hmm. Then, like today, I see myself captured on one of those horrible CCTV cameras, waiting patiently to pick up a parcel at the depot. Who is that? And why did I even leave the house?

I’ve always believed it’s the person we are inside that should shine through, but try thinking that when you’re squeezing into fat jeans and a blouse that gives you a triple choc muffin top. It brings me down. I try to ease my shoulders back (not an inconsiderable task, given the size of my stomach) and sail when I walk. Glide. I will own this weight.

Nah. Doesn’t work.

I’ve never been beautiful, so it’s not an anguished cry for a lost nirvana. I just want to be me again. It’s as if my weight has galloped ahead and I don’t recognise myself. Shallow? Quite possibly? But when MS has already take so much from me, it would have been nice if it had left my metabolism alone.

Yet. In the back of my mind, in the depths of my despair, would I ever swap the treatment I had for zero thyroid problems? Not a chance. I’m not ungrateful. I’m just impatient.

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6 thoughts on “Still Waiting …

  1. Kirsty says:

    It’ll happen. It’s obvious you’re not ungrateful, you just want the old you back.
    We’re never happy but it’ll be alright.
    I really dislike mirrors/cameras/shop windows/video recordings etc etc. That’s never what I think I look like. 🙈🙈🙈. Aaarrrrggggghhhhh. Xx

    • stumbling in flats says:

      I know!!
      it’s strange, but I look ok in my own mirror, then everyone else’s transforms me into this huge body with a little head. Weird.
      x

  2. David says:

    I’ve never been a big guy in the muscles division but the lack of use of them over the last 10 years is obvious. I’m still pretty skinny apart this totally out of place gut I have! My own fault but at the stage I’m too tired and sore to even attempt to get any of them built back up! On the plus side I’m a bit egotistical so I can convince myself that I’m gorgeous 😅

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Not a bad thing to convince yourself of!!
      I used to see a personal trainer not so long ago but gave up as I had no energy for sustained exercise :-(. Maybe I should just accept that my spare tyre is here to stay!
      x

  3. David Trotter says:

    It’s a difficult thing to balance. I know that lack of exercise will mean muscle loss which means my body will need to work harder to get things done. At the same time my body is so weak already that any exercise would destroy the rest of the day/week. I hope you can find that balance and if you do you’ll need to let me know how!

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Will do! But I doubt it somehow lol.
      It’s so difficult when your body is constantly fighting against you 🙁
      x

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