Life is so hazy at the moment, everything put on hold until I hear from the DWP and their assassins assessors.
It’s a weird feeling; a bit like an MS relapse, when nothing is real and everything hurts.
PIP has taken over my life, as has peering into tiny details I normally prefer to gloss over. Yep, sounds just like a relapse, a DWP-sanctioned relapse?
Anyway, life continues for now; work, home, rest, sleep, work, home, rest, sleep. It doesn’t usually leave much room for any form of excitement. Until today, Christmas Day.
I woke up around 13 minutes before The Teenager, at 6.45, made a cup of coffee and looked around my house, as if for the last time.
I do this every day since the PIP forms, but today had a special poignancy. I’d ordered a home-cooked Christmas Lunch for Two, bought a big box of crackers and had dug out decorations and strings of fairy lights. It wasn’t the advert-perfect Christmas, but it worked. I think.
In amongst a wonderful day spent with family and friends, I received really thoughtful gifts which almost made me believe there could be a future beyond the DWP’s decision:
Beauty: this is always amazing as I normally feel so fat ‘n’ frumpy, having packed on the weight since Grave’s. My mum, brother and younger sister all gave me gorgeous gifts. I just have to embrace my size …
Practical: The Teenager gave me an Amazon voucher to buy books with. Perfect gift, my Wish List is long. My friend gave me an Amazon Echo, to train it to remind me to take my meds (he knows what it’s like when I don’t) and get up to speed with the news.
Inspirational: I was given two beautiful sketch pads and a pack of pencils. Yep, I’ve joined a Drawing Class in January.
I have no idea why, a totally impulse decision. I haven’t drawn anything since A Level Art; I think it’s a case of the orchestra playing on when the Titanic’s going down?
I want to believe there is still a normal life after this. Probably smaller, narrower and more careful than before, but still, some kind of life?
In the meantime, we are teaching Alexa the Amazon Echo to miaow and answer utterly random questions. She’s unfailingly polite; I asked her what she thought of the DWP and she said, ‘I don’t have an opinion on that.‘
Unlike me …