You Don’t Know What You’ve Got ‘Til It’s Gone….

teddy bearA lot of you know I gave up blogging a while back.

And yet here I am again.

I gave up for a lot of reasons – lack of time, a need to move away from multiple sclerosis for a bit, family stuff.

But you’ve also probably noticed I just can’t keep away.

It really hit home to me with my last blog post just how much I respect and value your opinions, comments and experiences. I had a terrible week – that awful, all-enveloping depression landing on me out of nowhere. I didn’t know where it came from and I didn’t know how to get out of it.

Just as abruptly, it lifted. But what got me through the last few days of it was your support.

Without sounding too much like a schmaltzy Hallmark card with a teddy bear on it, I really missed you guys!! You talk a lot of sense – a lot more than I do.

I’m going to think of this stage of my blog as Part Two (or Deux when I’m feeling pretentious). You all came with me on my journey through MS, the discrimination, the struggles with studying, finding a new job, coming to terms with every aspect of MS. And not forgetting The Teenager and his Dramas, i.e. run out of yoghurt or crisps.

So, yes, Part Two. What’s next? I still have down days, but they’re more and more outweighed by the good. Life has settled down. I have the best job, working with my best friend. I’m starting my MA in creative writing in September when hopefully I’ll be able to call myself a proper writer, jotting down wandering thoughts about clouds, the meaning of life, etc…

The Teenager is (at the moment) behaving himself and at least giving a good impression of studying for his GCSE’s. I still have to fumble my way through clouds of Lynx and pick my way over dropped clothes on his bedroom floor. Newsflash – he opened his window AND curtains yesterday. I think the fresh air made him slightly giddy, as he printed off a revision timetable.

Anyway, I can’t say how often I’ll blog but judging by how much I have missed your words of wisdom, I’m here to stay for the foreseeable future. Hope you’ll take me back….

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22 thoughts on “You Don’t Know What You’ve Got ‘Til It’s Gone….

  1. Randy says:

    I never let you go, so yes you are taken back.

    • stumbling in flats says:

      That’s such a lovely thing to say, thank you! And thank you also for your supportive and much-needed emails when things were really bad. I really do appreciate that so, so much.

  2. Samantha Thompson says:

    Ooh some good news (does happy clap).
    I have been following your tweets so never missed one. I apologise for not commenting but I haven’t felt able to put anything helpful or useful so have kept quiet.
    Sam xx

  3. Hurrah.

    Always enjoy seeing ‘Stumbling in Flats in my ‘Inbox’, hugely enjoyable moment of any displacment activity.

    Now back to my inbox ugh!

  4. Phill Evans says:

    I wanted to respond to your last post, but I didnt think what I wanted to say would be useful to someone reading it from the inside, that or more likely I couldnt find the right words.

    Before MS I was a psych nurse and I did a LOT of work with people suffering from depression and anxiety over the years. On top of that, from the age of 21 I regularly suffered quite severe bouts of depression, so I had seen the Black Dog too. Like a lot of carers I was too stubborn and hypocritical to take my own advice so I never sought medical help.

    After I was diagnosed with MS and they said that a) it is usually affecting people for about 15 years prior to diagnosis (which was exactly when my dog days started), and b) that depression was a spin off of MS I suddenly felt that I was able to take antidepressants (I had always assumed I got depressed because I was a bad person, as I said I was a professional hypocrite.) and since then the depression has been incredibly limited in frequency and effects.

    Depression is as much a physical illness (it isnt only your mood that is depressed) as a mental one. In MS it is similar to but not the same as reactive or endogenous depression. There is a neurological trigger which, to me anyway, seems transitory and somewhat arbitrary, I can get periods of low mood for no reason which can sneak up on me over a month or zap me out of the blue over 24 hours. Equally, I have found that it passes just as quickly and without any seeming link to my actions or experience. The advice I have given so often in the past to people with depression (go out for at least half an hour every day to soak up vitamine D as well as to simply get out and exercise, eat a healthy diet, be sociable and go to a cafe because even just being around other humans is medicine, all of that seems to apply in simply managing the experience of low mood, but it doesnt seem to make a whit of difference to the frequency, severity or the time it takes to go away. Antidepressants DO seem to minimise the depths of the the blues for me (citalopram, here, cant reccomend it enough but there are lots of antidepressants and everyone is different) and there does seem to be a reduction in frequency although that could be because I am prepared for it so it could be that “little” depressions I am able to ride out without noticing.

    I suppose, in my long winded way, I am sayng that depression happens in MS, it can be suddden and harsh but it DOES go away. It *isnt* because of something you have done or said and you *can* treat it as a symptom of MS rather than as an existential crisis or a sign of weakness.

    I hope I made sense there! :S


    • stumbling in flats says:

      What a brilliant comment – thank you so much!
      I am definitely starting to see these bouts of depression as symptoms of MS now, much like the fatigue which took me so long to accept as a symptom.
      There was absolutely nothing ‘wrong’ in my life to trigger it, so I can only put it down to a blip in the neurons! I’m only glad it decided to leave as suddenly as it came.

  5. no, go away. no blogging anymore for you, once you give blogging up, thats it 😉 :p

    but, seriously, its good to see you blogging again 🙂 its good to have another outlet to get thoughts down 🙂

  6. Beverley says:

    Great to see you back x
    Even better that you are feeling more positive. I’m the opposite, fallen in to a hole of misery and utter exhaustion.
    B x

  7. Of COURSE we’ll take you back! It was a black day when you signed off. So happy to hear you’re feeling better. Depression can strike swiftly. MS. Meh.

  8. Tricia says:

    Such Great News xx xx xx

  9. Julie says:

    Think of us as your bungee platform, you can bounce back into our inbox anytime! 🙂

    Will you be able to carry on working while doing the MA or is it full time? How does it work?

    • stumbling in flats says:

      I like that!
      I chose the part-time option, so will take it over two years plus dissertation instead of one. So it’s one lecture a week instead of two. Don’t think I could handle any more than that!

  10. Sally says:

    Totally relate to all your depressive woes. Cannot honestly say I suffer from depression but every so often I hit a black hole and my whole life feels like it is collapsing around me. Am very lucky that it always seems to be short lived though. I definitely have a case of ADH…… Oh look SHINY!!!!!! Like yesterday morning was sitting eating breakfast waiting for my first Fampridine of the day to kick in and suddenly it hit. Just wanted one morning where I don’t wake up feeling rubbish. Next thing I know I’m howling into my porridge and my hubby is staring at me thinking how quickly can I get to work without looking insensitive. 10 minutes later a friend rings to ask if I want to go for a walk and suddenly I’m all cried out and the sun peers out again. Still waiting for my daughter to open curtains and put clothes away though. Meh!

    • stumbling in flats says:

      That sounds a lot like me. I don’t really have anything situational to feel depressed about – I’m really fortunate in so many ways. Just these blasted sudden weeks of utter blackness. Life is back on track once again and I can only look back on that last week with a shudder.
      As I write, Teenager’s window is still open. Must be a record. However, school uniform is scattered around the hall….

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