We click along in our own unique cogs, ensuring each cog fits the next one so we have perfectly functioning life.
My cog clicks in with The Teenager’s, and my house and my work. And the kitten. And when it runs smoothly, it’s great.
The thing is, my cog seems to be out of kilter right now, jarring with each of the other ones, and it’s creating havoc.
It started small, inconspicuous, a couple of years ago. My speech went out of kilter. MS. Then my walking. MS. Then my brain. MS. The cogs clogged up, lol.
I think, ever since my diagnosis, I’ve been striving to get all these cogs working properly again. Some have, and we muddle along and it’s great. It’s a bit like oiling the daily machinery of life.
Yet, there’s one cog, possibly the largest one, which refuses to shift back into place. I feel somehow disconnected, rolling around like a ball on a roulette table, never quite finding my own space until the last minute.
I guess I haven’t quite ‘clicked’ back in to place. I used to be (I think, anyway) a great mother. I used to be a worthy colleague. I used to have boyfriend. I used to have opportunities and possibilities.
And now? I’m that little ball, trundling along the wheel, trying to find out where I fit in.