Mea Culpa

sorryI have lost two very dear friends recently – all my own fault.

Looking back, my behaviour was abominable. One friend, I only called when I was distressed. The other, when I felt ok. Both probably felt cheated and used and I don’t blame them.

This is a very hard post to write, but it has to be said. There’s only so much nonsense our friends will take.

Sure, some of our friends will drift away, unable to cope with our new state. All the more reason to nurture the ones who stayed. Which is where I went wrong, so very badly wrong.

I admit it, I was selfish. It was all about me. I ignored the things they told me about their own lives. I blanked it out, puffed up with MS self-importance. This was happening to ME. End of.

What I forgot in the MS Haze, is that those dear friends have lives of their own, with the same bad news, tragedies, ongoing sadness. In a way, I used and abused their kindness.

I am doing a lot of reflecting. Ongoing. And I am shocked and saddened by the grief I may have put on others in my pursuit of advice and help. In a tiny small way, I took a bouquet of flowers to one of those I had annoyed, just this afternoon. Then ran back in to reassure her that I had blocked her number.  I wouldn’t call again.


20 thoughts on “Mea Culpa

  1. Jonny B Good says:

    And there was me thinking that TEENAGERS were the centre of the Universe…..As If !!!

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Well, we can usurp them from time to time?

      • Jonny B Good says:

        Is that a rhetorical reply?

        • stumbling in flats says:

          Definitely not. x

          • Jonny B Good says:

            I don’t really know what I mean’t when I typed “is that a Rhetorical reply” I probably need to look up the dictionary again! Anyway…. I think it’s OK to be ***sed off sometimes, especially when one is asked ‘how are you, alright’

            P.s. What did the ? mark at the end of your earlier post mean.

            P.p.s. Have I just typed an example of a Rhetorical question in the above?

          • stumbling in flats says:

            Love it!!
            I’m sure my tutor would have a lot to say about my written English, lol
            And, I only asked a question, hence the question mark….

  2. Sally says:

    STOP IIITTTT!. Stop bringing yourself down. You have come so far since being diagnosed. You’ve accepted, adapted and moved onwards and upwards. We all know how self absorbed we can get with this disease but we can’t help it. When your friends realise you are now in a different place mentally they will probably understand and hopefully you can all find a place to start again. Never say never. None of them can fully understand how hard it is coming to terms with such a life changing disease. You have and you have moved on really quickly. With your newly learned writing skills maybe you can write them a funny limerick expressing your apology.

    • stumbling in flats says:

      oh, I hope so!! I have been a crap friend in a lot of ways and I know a bouquet of flowers goes nowhere near making up. Sadly.
      Love your comment, very thought-provoking. X

  3. Hi,

    MS is totally absorbing. It is destructive both physically and mentally. Now that I have retired (blame the MS) and I am now networking I have learnt to make MS a lower priority.

    I also think the website is partially to blame. Both of us are thinking about our own sites and that is also struggling to be number 1 on our discussion list. Coincidentally its about MS as well.

    Actually its much more fun letting other people talk. Its taken me a few years but it really is worth while.


    • stumbling in flats says:

      I agree. And I’ve been terribly guilty at navel-gazing, forgetting that other people have stuff going on too.

  4. Tricia says:

    Imm, what to say, I thinks lol, we don’t understand what is happening to ourselves, so how would ANYBODY else understand, so frustrating when you get the “LOOK”.
    Yes people have their lives with all that goes with it, put before MS, we stood by them, thick and thin.
    So people stand by US.

    • stumbling in flats says:

      True. But in my case, I leant rather too heavily on one friend. Possibly as I admired her no-nonsense attitude. She cut through all the crap, which was amazing when I was drowning in my own thoughts. Maybe I could learn from that and begin to live that way too. Hugely inspiring!

  5. Donna says:

    This post made me sad. You are the least self-absorbed blogger I know and I find it very hard to imagine you being anything other than a kind and considerate friend. It is hard to be 100% there for everyone else, those of us with health issues need to keep a little of ourselves back in order to try and get ourselves better. I am not expressing myself well but I hope you feel a bit chirpier soon xx

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Not too sure my friends would agree, lol, but thank you for saying. I don’t think I really gave either of them the chance and I really wasn’t the best friend to them.
      But that’s what all this is about. Being honest with ourselves?

  6. tony cardis says:

    I read your post many times and to be honest found it hard to find a reply, MS can’t be hidden from and does become a major part of our lives. But I do have trouble talking about it maybe that’s MY problem, but I really hope your friends are able to contact you again your sense of humour shouldn’t be limited to us chosen few

    • stumbling in flats says:

      I know what you mean. The problem with me I think is that my emotions have gone totally haywire. One minute I’m up, the next I’m way down. And when I’m down, it’s awful. And I put an awful lot of pressure on that friend, in a way I guess, to rescue me.
      As I said, not the easiest post to write but I think if you’re going to blog you need to take the good with the bad.
      I’ve done a heck of a lot of thinking today (yup, the same old problem) and I need to try to be kinder on myself AND see that other people have problems too. And I really didn’t with one of those friends and I will always regret that.

  7. Kiran says:

    Definitely a hard post to write and undoubtedly a brave one. Your willingness and ability to reflect is powerful and I want you to know that I admire you. I too have come across a similar realisation in relation to a number of friends; some still present and others decidedly absent. But we’re human and the positive aspect of this fact is we have the ability to reflect and drive change – and the desire to.
    Thank you again for sharing your thoughts; a generous and thought-provoking act.
    Kiran x

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Thank you for your generous comment, really lovely to read. Reflecting is great, but the worst thing is, is the realisation that I am reflecting on the past. If I could forward reflect, sure I’d learn mistakes, but I could never make it up to those friends I have hurt along the way.
      But yes, we are human and yes, I did put far, far too much pressure on that one friend and I can see that now. I just couldn’t see it before.
      I’ve blogged about difficult things before, but this is probably the hardest. I’m not just standing up and saying I’m weak, or I’m feeling vulnerable. I’m saying, I have hurt people. And that’s always extremely hard to admit.
      Thank you for your kindness.

  8. Eileen Tilley says:

    I find it hard to show my friends how I really feel ,I answer with the same words “I’m fine “. Is it fear that they will get sick of me moaning on ,especially because I get sick of myself doing it .. Fear of losing my friends ,If I was to voice this to friends ,I’m sure they would be upset and even alarmed ,but that little grain of doubt and worry is imbedded in my mind xxxxxx

    • stumbling in flats says:

      That sounds really difficult? Maybe one or two trusted friends would be ok if you opened up a little?
      I guess I had the opposite problem. With most people (family included) I’m, yeah, I’m doing great, just great. But with a few friends, well, they get the deluge. I went in the totally different direction! Hence the post. I will never forgive myself, but if I can come to terms with how destructive I was, maybe that’s progress.

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