Nope, I don’t actually eat them all, honest; it’s the fact that I can’t open any of them without using Awfully Bad Language.
I first noticed this disturbing turn of events when I had settled myself on the sofa one evening with a good book and a pack of Maltesers.
Fumble, fumble. Use teeth. Grrrr. The ‘easy-tear’ opening remained unimpressed by my heroic efforts to free the chocolates nestled within and stayed stubbornly sealed.
Totally unfair. I got a bit upset before I stumbled into the kitchen and found a pair of scissors. But it’s not the point really.
‘Easy-tear’ should mean exactly that.
Just as I was coming to terms with this change of circumstance, shampoo bottles started ganging up against me. Ok, so they may not label themselves ‘Easy Squeeze’ like Mayonnaise does but you’d think it would be fairly simple to squish out a blob of shampoo. Not a bit. Some of my bottles actively discourage me from doing this so I end up using The Teenagers’s all-in-one Body/Hair/Brain wash. My own bottles are just so darned hard to squeeze. Must be all the fancy packaging and promises. No wonder my hair is like a bonkers haystack.
I don’t think I’m asking for much. I only want to be that woman in the adverts who effortlessly opens sublime chocolates, beautifully eases out a perfect round blob of shampoo and can open a microwavable bacon buttie without weeping. But then, she has a size 2 figure and amazing hair, so I don’t really get off the starting block. Meh.
My hands just don’t work the way they used to, much like the rest of me. So perhaps I could decant stuff to make it easier and always, always have a pair of scissors handy. But then I would have to furtively snip the tops of packets when out in public. Bit weird. When did you last see someone in a pub open a shared packet of Scampi Fries with scissors? And would you want to sit next to them?
Me neither. So my quest for easy-open packets and bottles continues. We’re running out of Lynx and I’ve resorted to Kinder Eggs. Mind you, the toys these days are fabulous.
Is it me?