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Welcome Chez Stumbling….

no vacancyMe: ‘You treat this place like a hotel’ (am I really saying this?)

Teenager: ‘Yeah? So sack the maid’ (chortle, snicker)

We have reached that Awkward Stage, lasting roughly from 9 months to 18 years of age.

The Teenager has re-written the rules of polite house-sharing, so here are his:

  • Welcome to Hotel de la Stumbling! We hope you’ll have a comfortable stay (for years and years). Come in and don’t worry about taking off your muddy rugby boots/wet school shoes/soaked jackets. Just tramp through the house and make vacuuming that little bit more challenging. Drop your coat anywhere – we will pick up and return to the allotted coat-hook at no extra effort to you. We aim to make you feel at home.
  • Perhaps you fancy a shower to freshen up? Feel free to use the host’s very expensive shampoo (for fine hair, in need of tender loving care), imported at great expense from America. And of course, there’s no need to pick up the towels or flush the toilet. You must use as much toilet roll as your heart desires. Why not end your luxurious experience by spraying yourself liberally (and then some) with a selection of our finest Lynx deodorants?
  • As for on-site catering, we offer a home-cooked meal every day and should that not suit, we also offer an out-of-hours service whereby you may sneak down late in the evening to make toast and Nutella. As always, please don’t feel it is necessary to clean up after yourself. We are more than delighted to attend to this.
  • Taxi service – always available. However, please be aware, last minute bookings are discouraged. We do request patrons allow us at least five minutes notice. Furthermore, any detours must be agreed with your driver, for example, to ensure we have the correct money for a drive-thru McDonalds.
  • Guests. We naturally welcome any friends you may wish to bring back to our establishment, however we politely request you limit the number to five, with no more than two overnight. Extra Domino’s pizza can be arranged upon request.

We hope you enjoy your extended stay. Just one minor point – it may be helpful if you open your curtains at least once a day week. And we seem to have less crockery in the kitchen than usual. Finally, should you enjoy a tub of ice cream in your bedroom, please refrain from throwing out the spoon…

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