Grief has overwhelmed me since last year.
I am nowhere near over this but I know I have to take small steps to a different kind of life.
I have been poleaxed, hermit-like at home, bar a few special occasions. This has to change. I know now that I will always be carrying this grief; it may alter slightly but the ramifications of it never will.
Losing a sibling through grief changes you irrevocably and I can see that I will never be the person I was before. But I have to start looking after myself and my little family alongside treasuring precious memories.
I have been spiralling into somewhere I do not want to go. With a huge debt to my friends, I am starting to engage with the wider world once more and I want to stay here. At the turn of the year and decade, I am determined to bring some semblance of joy back into my life, and my son’s. He is the one who made me think; he came back for the University Christmas break in early December and his infectious zest and energy lifted me and our little cottage out of the fog.
I realised the other day that I have been blogging about life with MS since 2012 (The Teenager was 13, he’s 21 this year!), and you guys have seen me through ill-health, exams, the good times, the bad times and now the awful times. I feel immensely privileged to have this platform. You’ve been everywhere with me.
It’s too easy to feel we are alone when we are most vulnerable. I know, I felt that way. You, along with my close friends, have pulled me through yet again and I am beyond grateful.
I am trying to embed positive habits in 2020. I have started a journal-writing course with Mab Jones, which is an excellent way to reflect. I am changing one small thing every day to shake up my routine, something I first heard about through RD Laing’s literature – although there is a whole lot I don’t agree with him about. I am awake early every morning so I build in some PhD study time before starting work.
Very, very small steps. I will never, ever forget my brother. How could I? Yet, if I can incorporate some of his beautiful personality into our lives, surely this is a step in the right direction?
Lovely to hear from you with positive thoughts and wishing you the very best going on this forward journey! Good luck Barbara
Thank you Sue! It’s been a long road and it still will be, but it feels good to take my brother’s legacy with me 🙂 X
Time! That’s all it takes to get used to the shock of your brother passing before any of you were prepared for it ie illness, accident, etc. How is your Mum doing? A shock for her too.
Thank you! She’s as good as can be expected; we’re all trying hard to cope in our own ways. Probably the hardest experience I’ve ever been through x