I’ve had to think hard and dig deep, but there really is an upside to coming out of an MS relapse.
Bear with …
I’ve looked over my previous blog posts and, wow, I’ve written some fairly depressing stuff, but I guess that’s the point of blogs – honesty and real life, warts and all.
I’m not one for sugar-coating MS, as regular readers will know. There’s highs and there’s lows. Lots of them.
So now I’m emerging from this MS relapse hibernation I mentioned previously, it’s time to move on and concentrate on the positive.
I don’t know about you guys, but coming out of a relapse is like slowly waking up to the world again and all it can offer. Dullness is replaced with bright, blinding colours. Clarity snaps through my mind like a tornado. The impossible becomes ever more possible.
It’s so difficult to explain. For months, life has been lived in a sludgy, treacle-like substance. Putting one foot in front of the other has been the sole aim. Sure, to anyone else, I’m holding it all together. Only I know how disastrously things are collapsing inside.
Fear. That’s the worst symptom of a relapse. Fear of MS progression, fear of treatment failure, fear of the future. And above all, where do I fit in to this world where everything is a battle – parenthood, work, studying, being a capable member of society?
I might feel like I have achieved nothing during the relapse, but in hindsight I have. I’m still taking part in research projects, still attending MS meetings, still contributing my voice. I can do a lot with a laptop, despite the Wifi being a bit wonky when I’m lying down on the sofa.
I stood outside my back door yesterday and looked at the plants I had nurtured since seedlings. Achievement? Absolutely. I heard The Teenager singing in the shower; a confidant, blossoming young person with a bright future. Achievement? Hell, yes. My proudest and most shining example of hope over adversity. We’ve shared an incredible journey through MS together and now it is time he branches off and heads towards his dreams.
I am aspiring to be grateful for everything life throws at me. My first lesson has already happened – The Boss is picking me up at 7.15 tomorrow morning and my job is to write down lots of boring stuff.
No matter what, I will be the epitome of cool and count roof tiles and bits of wood. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any more exciting …