To cheer myself up at the weekends, I read the dating columns in the newspapers, especially the upmarket ones.
I also chortle over the birth announcements in The Times: Oscar-Theodore Chummingly-Wallop, a brother for Broccoli-Cressida and Seraphina-Arabella has a different ring to it than Kev, a brother for Chelsee and Kaycee.
My least favourite dating advert is the one that starts, ‘my secretary said, don’t mention the distant travel, restaurants and fine hotels, just say you are kind and successful and seeking a younger lady up to the age of 40.’
What decade is this guy living in? I bet he also loves Mad Men, where women knew their place and how to mix a mean Martini with a twist, whilst whipping up a three-course dinner when hubby’s boss unexpectedly invites himself to dinner.
I love the show-offs – the ‘Cambridge University educated gentleman, 70’s’ (get over yourself dear, you graduated half a century ago), ‘London or Paris, loves jazz’ (bless him, he went on a Eurostar day trip years ago) and ‘ohac, 80’ (honestly, I would hope he’d have his own home and car at that age).
Then there are the downright odd. ‘Attractive, professional businessman, lives near cliffs’. I’d be worried. ‘Divorced, 63, own teeth and hair, with no beard or tattoos or earrings but a gsoh’. There are no words.
There’re also the ‘humorous’ ones – ‘Detached and desirable and much sought after luxury property. All mod cons, in full working order, circa 1950’s. Early viewing essential!’ Gosh, I bet he’s a right barrel of laughs.
I have learned that most of the men go to the theatre and enjoy good food. Does anyone enjoy bad food? The majority of them are looking for someone slim and younger than they are. They like golf and classic cars and seem to be solvent, apart from the man who boldly states that ‘I believe the best things in life are free’. Ladies, steer clear.
To be fair, I have also ‘written’ my own advert – ‘Single, divorced parent to a sulky Teenager and bonkers cat, late 30’s. Tall, has MS’. I bet I’d be inundated…