Stumbling in Flats

Here’s a quick quiz – just how many signs of ageing are there? Five? Seven? Or, gulp, ten?

Step forward Rachel Weisz who was recently flogging ‘Revitalist Repair 10’, targeting 10 signs of ageing in one overpriced blob of cream. I’m obviously not at all jealous she’s married to Daniel Craig, but I was chuckling when I heard that her TV advert had been banned in the UK after the ‘shocking’ discovery that she was airbrushed for the advert.

So what are these doom-laden Signs of Ageing and who decides? As I approach the sad day when I will be forced to wear a humorous ‘Still Flirty at Forty!’ badge to a local restaurant where the chairs will be tied with ‘Over The Hill’ helium balloons, here’s my ten signs of ageing:

1. My mum asks me what I want for this milestone birthday. Without missing a beat I answer ‘ a super-duper electric toothbrush’. What?!
2. I never, ever sit on the floor, as I would need three strong children to help me up and would probably say ‘ooof’ a lot.
3. I have a sudden, inexplicable urge to visit garden centres. Not only that, I enjoy a nice cup of tea and a slice of cake in the cafe afterwards.
4. I read those ‘Innovation’ catalogues that fall out of the weekend newspapers from cover to cover. And make a list. 
5. My colleague has a baby. He is young enough to be my son. Which means I am old enough to be a grandmother. 
6. I own not one but two pairs of slippers. Comfy. 
7. I talk to my plants. And they talk back. Honestly. 
8. I no longer feel it’s appropriate to buy Rimmel make-up. Too….bright.
9. I circle TV programmes I want to watch in the Radio Times with a special pen. Antiques Roadshow? Tick.
10. I’m tempted to start listening to The Archers.

I could also say I forget things, I drop things and I have a special non-slip mat in the shower, but I’m blaming all that firmly on the MS. My plan? To age disgracefully, embarrass The Teenager and start investing in control underwear chic black cashmere jumpers, teamed with lots of large, colourful beads. And start calling everyone ‘daahhling’ as I can’t remember their names…