Category Archives: Emotions

May 09 2014
18 Comments
Emotions

Introversion…

im fine‘Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony’ – Douglas Coupland

This last week, I have been lonely to the point of the blackest ever distraction.

It has at times been charming, seductive, all-enveloping. But mostly it is simply black.

I have no idea what has happened. Nothing has changed. Life continues as normal. Me and The Teenager still have a laugh, although mostly him laughing at me for not having seen the youtube clip of Emma Stone lip-synching to something or other (honestly, not that great).

He has called up Domino’s pizza to complain that he didn’t have a thin-crust as ordered and was promptly delivered a free one. A good point to discuss the market economy and its wider implications (no?) until he took said pizza plus our jumbo-sized tomato sauce upstairs to Skype like-minded friends. (yeah!!!! Wicked!!!! You should try it!!!!!).

Anyway. Black. I know depression is a feature of MS. I laughed it off to start with. I’m 40, reason enough to be a little down that I am still a ‘divorced single parent, with Teenager, cat, MS and compost heap’. 

But this is different. I can’t seem to shake it off. Which makes me a lousy friend. Don’t get me wrong, work is fine, more than fine. I’ve finally found something I’m actually quite good at, apart from picking up towels and washing rugby boots.

I said to myself this morning, ‘you must be nice to everyone you meet’. Which meant letting everyone into the traffic. At rush hour. Not bad. It worked. I waved and was waved back. Lovely. I stopped off at the shop and bought some black pudding (long story).

After work, I got home. The blackness once more. My dream of someone, anyone, recognising that I am actually a nice person to be with, fading into the background. I am alone. I have a fabulous son, a beautiful house, a great life and ,um, MS, but life is good, so why don’t I go along with the ride?

I am an introvert right now. I don’t really know who I am, post-MS. Everything has changed without me keeping up to speed. I think I have been left behind.

Mar 10 2014
16 Comments
Emotions

MS Replies…

MS repliesDear Stumbling,

Thank you for your kind and thought-provoking letter (see, I do read your blog, so ner ner ner ner ner, as you so eloquently put it). I think it’s time we had a little chat, don’t you? Mind the step and pull up a chair.

Look, between you and me, I know I wasn’t invited. I’m never exactly welcomed with open arms. I mean, really?

But let’s get a few things straight. Who told you life was going to be easy? You can’t turn the clock back and I’m here to stay, so you may as well get used to me hanging around, whether you like it or not (harsh but true).

Which leads me neatly to my next point. Sure, I’m pretty nasty. I mess up your body and put your brain in a blender. But I’ve been kind to you too. Don’t laugh – without me, would you really appreciate life so much more than you used to? Would you really make the most of every day? I don’t think so. You were quite happily trucking along, making plans, blah blah blah, without a care in the world. Life. Is. Not. That. Simple.

See? I helped you change your life, didn’t I? Yes, I know you lost everything, but we’ll run through that, shall we? Career? If your employer was going to treat you like that, they weren’t worth it anyway. Ditto partner. He scarpered at the first sign of trouble. I saved you the pain at a future date. And stop worrying about finding someone new. Find yourself first, then think about it. So in a strange kind of way, I simply hastened the process of clearing your life out, didn’t I?

And I really do think you should thank me for that. Sure, I prod you and push you over. And? I see you laughing at it now. You turned it round. You used to trip and curse every single time. Now you shrug it off. Life is all about adapting, every single day. Nothing stays the same. And if that’s the only thing I can teach you, then I’m happy.

You’re doing ok. You faced up to me (and to be frank, you’re a teeny bit scary when you do that). I think you are much more powerful than before, despite feeling weaker. Have a think about it.

Anyway, I’ll leave you with that. And please, no more pity parties. Yawn.

Yours forever,

MS

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Mar 08 2014
20 Comments
Emotions

Dear MS…

Dear MSDear MS,

Were you having a laugh? I used to speak three languages, yet that morning three years ago, I woke up unable to speak English.

You threw sand in my eyes and made me walk funny.

And I certainly didn’t want to have that MRI, nor the Medieval lumbar puncture that followed.

But, you know what? You’re here now, so I might as well get used to having you around, you pesky minx, you.

So, keep on making my hand numb (haha), keep on forcing me to sit down and fall asleep no matter what the situation (eek), keep on making me avoid any direct sunlight as if I were a vampire.

You are a parasite and I hate you. You have ruined my life. But sadly, you are part of me now so we might as well get on. I will accept the enforced sleep breaks, the dodgy walking, the tripping. But I will never, ever accept the worst you can throw at me. Who cares if I no longer speak fluent Norwegian? I can still read it, so ner ner ner ner ner.

Who cares if I can no longer write 3000 word essays? I graduated last year. Yah. Boo.Sucks.

You are a leech. You destroy everything you touch. Families, relationships, careers. You took everything from me  and you were unrelenting in your destructive mission.

So you chewed me up and spat me out, Dear MS. I lost my partner, my job, my career, most of my friends. But I win. I will be a better Me.

I didn’t ask for you to appear and gnaw at my nerve endings. It’s ironic. I feel you. I feel emotions. And that will not end, no matter what you throw at me.

Yours,

Stumbling XXX

 

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Feb 21 2014
10 Comments
Emotions

Maybe I’m Not So Boring After All…

boringAfter my previous maudlin blog post, I had a lovely email from a friend.

In short, she told me I wasn’t at all boring, and in fact quite interesting, and I really should write a post about some not-so-boring stuff I have done, just to even things out.

So here goes:

  • On a visit to Scotland, I went to the travel agent to book ferry tickets to Skye. Instead, I booked flights to The Gambia and was on the beach 24 hours later.
  • I moved from Austria to New York on a whim. I had a ball.
  • I can burp the entire alphabet. Ewww.
  • I met Al Pacino once. He was a bit grumpy.
  • I used to speak fluent Norwegian and German.

It’s early, so I can’t think of any more things right now, but it’s given me food for thought. I am definitely my own worst critic and don’t give myself the easiest time.

To be fair,  the combination of MS and bullying/sacking from work hasn’t helped. But, as I came to realise a while back, it’s not only about what happens to you, it’s about how you react to it. I also have a lot to be grateful for – a healthy son, a wonderful family, great friends.

If I had a friend who constantly belittled and criticised me and sneered at every effort I made to improve my life, I’d get rid of them. So why do I do this to myself? If you can’t be friends with yourself, how can you expect other people to take you seriously?

On a more positive note, all this naval-gazing over the last couple of years has been a tremendous opportunity to totally re-evaluate my life, shake it down from top to bottom. It’s a unique chance to start afresh, so why squander the chance? We have to make MS work for us if we are to live in peace with it.

So. I am going to stop whingeing, stop analysing every single thing to death and lift my head above the parapet. It’s time to have more fun. And with that in mind, I’m off to get ready for work. My job has been the best therapy ever. Working with a bunch of men who refuse to let me take myself seriously has been a brilliant tonic.

No more pity-parties…

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Feb 20 2014
20 Comments
Emotions

Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You…

Best FriendsI really have messed up.

I called a couple of friends over the last few days and without fail, they’ve said to me, ‘must dash!’.

I don’t blame them. I’m a terrible, awful friend.

I have been selfish, self-occupied and…..boring. I bore myself. So what hope do my friends have?

I love my friends but possibly I have called upon one too many favours. And what do they have in return? Nothing but a whingeing, boring peep, with MS her only conversation.

It wasn’t meant to be like this. I was supposed to be the living embodiment of ‘living well despite MS.’ So what happened?

Who knows. I think I am still the engaged, interested person I always was, but recent experience has shown me I really am not. Am I so used to MS now, it has become second nature? Is it me? Am I MS?

A depressing thought. But I guess not entirely surprising. I try to imagine myself if the roles were reversed. Could I be that patient, that understanding? For almost two years?

I love my friends. The thought of losing them is too terrible to bear. I have already lost so many since The Diagnosis.

I realised recently that I’m never invited out for lunch or coffee. Or, heaven forbid, a night out. I must have turned down so many invitations I’ve lost count. Friends have given up. ‘Nah, don’t bother asking Stumbling, she’ll only say no……’

I find myself in the position of calling friends and (begging just a little), ‘um. yeah, hi! Fancy getting together? Yeah, me! Um, ok, no worries……catch up soon, yeah (please)?’

Hmmm. My friends have been superstars. It’s me who is at fault. I. Am. Boring.

This is why I plan to take up the saxaphone this year. And why I have joined a friend’s book club (forget the first planned meeting, a disaster thanks to The Teenager).

To all the friends who have stuck by me, thank you.

x

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