I am a dunce. No two ways about it, MS has seriously fogged up my brain.
I first noticed it before I was diagnosed – simple recipes became infuriating Mensa-like tests, I got lost driving to the shops and reading a book was an exercise in tedious endurance.
I’m in my final year of my part-time degree and the last five years have been pretty good.
I’m an unabashed girly swot and enjoy cracking open a new packet of Sharpies, drawing intricate mind maps, carefully crafting my essays, ferreting out incisive references. Then my brain went on holiday with a one-way ticket.
After an agonising couple of weeks last month, I finally submitted my first essay of my final year. The mind maps never moved beyond a bunch of circles with nothing in them and my Sharpies lay dormant. I got my result yesterday. It was 65%. Sigh. Such a sad, sad little number.
I normally get higher marks, so this was upsetting but not totally unexpected. I often struggle to add up simple numbers or find the right word, so writing a 2,500 essay is akin to scaling Mount Everest in flip-flops. In the middle of recounting a funny anecdote to friends over coffee, my mind can go completely blank, the punchline withering and dying as my friends look at me with pity.
I read recently that memory loss is the most commonly reported cognitive difficulty in MS. Last year, when I was revising for my exam, I had written up a set of comprehensive study notes. They were a thing of beauty. I read them over and over and over again, but nothing, not one tiny thing, would stick inside my brain. I barely scraped through the three hour exam but luckily my fabulous MS nurse wrote a letter to the university explaining that I was not stupid, it was the MS.
My next essay is due at the end of May and I am hoping for some divine inspiration. In the meantime, I’m furiously highlighting points in my books, jotting down what I hope will be valid arguments and crossing my fingers for luck. And no, the Sharpies haven’t been used yet, but they’re on my desk, raring to go. How do I draw a mind map again?
No you are NOT a dunce! I think it’s amazing you are persevering with your degree with MS. Apart from anything, to get 65% in your situation must be equivalent to a significantly higher percentage. You remind me of my son a little, he is quite a perfectionist with his work and also has an incisive brain. Take those Sharpies out of their packet and draw something today. Anything – but please don’t have any expectations of what the result will be. Jx
Aw, thank you so much for your lovely comment Jo! Put a great big smile on my face.
You’re right, I am a bit of a perfectionist and have totally unrealistic expectations of what I can achieve, lol. I almost gave up last year to graduate without honours, but I thought, darn, I’ve come this far! I adore my Sharpies and treated myself to a packet of 16 yesterday (the excitement!) and am looking forward to unclicking them…
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65 per cent that’s a 2:1 isn’t it! That’s fantastic even morse so considering what’s happened in your life. My son is also a perfectionist in his first year at Uni . He is intelligent bright ambitious but his dyslexia means he takes a lot longer to complete written essays than his fellow students. It’s a hidden disability that has made him set goals and achievements that I feel put terrible strain on him. Congratulate yourself on your achievements, pick up your sharpies, draw some spiders!! and see where you go but never give up , and pat yourself on the back for what you have achieved!! X
Thanks Anita! Am feeling a whole lot better about it now 🙂 I do put myself under a lot of pressure, much more used to my marks being in the 70’s and 80’s and this was a really easy essay!
I’m really hoping 65% is a 2:1. I’m on track for that grade and don’t want to drop below it and get a Desmond!
Roll on October when I can finally put it all behind me.
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You should be applauded for going after your goals. Grades are just a number and a formality of school. I work FT in a career I LOVE but also struggle with cognitive issues both at work and at home. Once you get into the work force for the career you a striving for you will find ways to manage and there will be no grades to worry about! Whew! My job in HR requires that I remember every detail about everything! I make lots of notes and write down everything…the challenge is remembering where I wrote/placed the note! lol. I continually walk into rooms and forget why did so or start a conversation and cant remember what I wanted to say or cant find the word. Some days are better than others. Good luck to you on your next exam/paper and keep writing your blog I LOVE it!
Hi Becky!
Thank you for the really nice comment about my blog. With all the great comments, I’m beginning to see that I’m far too naval-gazingy. There’s me, fretting away at home, beating myself up about a ‘bad grade’ and you guys have shown me the bigger perspective. It’s just like having a bunch of girlfriends round for a gossip!
I must stop beating myself up and remember that I’m not so thick (I have the letter from the MS nurse to prove it!) and I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have.
I’m just like you – I write everything down. I have notes reminding me I have notes, lol. Sometimes it’s the simplest things I just can’t recall. Or the conversations that wander off!
Have a great Sunday and thank you for making mine more special!
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You are a marvel for pushing on — many in your place would have given up (by “many” I may or may not be referring to myself!).
Oh, that familiar telling-a-witty-story-and-forgetting-the-witty-part debacle. Happens more times than I care to remember. HAHA, actually I can’t remember! So, really, it’s as if they never happened and I can pretend all of my conversations were peppered with hilarious punchlines and bon mots.
Hey Cranky!
Yup, very true. If you can’t remember how many times it happened, then it doesn’t count, lol.
It’s like a bunch of gremlins snuck into my brain and stole the most interesting bits. Someone asked me what I did the week before last and I just said, ‘are you kidding me??’ I struggle to remember exactly what I did yesterday. Thank heavens for post-it notes and the diary on my mobile phone.
I’m supposed to be studying today! I guess that if I rest the book on my lap and put the telly on, the facts should seep into my brain by osmosis. Or something.
X
Quick note: you need to put the book on your HEAD. That’s how the osmosis thing works.
Ahhh! So that’s what I was doing wrong!!
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Forgotten what I was going to write about.
I do know exactly what you mean. My memory totally shot. Words get stuck in my in the back of my head half way towards my neck and I cannot get them out.
Confuse colours as well, I’m always mixing up khaki, cream and light green – makes my wife very annoyed
How I manage my website is a complete miracle. Its a case of living from one moment to the next and looking at the list. Oh yes, well done with your course work.
Thanks Patrick!
It’s a horrible symptom and hardly invisible. I was paying in a shop the other day and completely forgot my pin number, a number I’ve had for years. A whole queue behind me got very impatient and it was most awkward.
I guess that’s why I like writing my blog – to prove to myself that I can still construct sentences, lol. Even if it does take me two days to finish each post!
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Bingo, sometimes I sometimes forget my mobile number – doh!
Your blogs are excellent, they’ve certainly made me rethink how I write for my website. Mine used to be far too long winded and wordy.
I go back and look at the early articles I wrote, makes me cringe. Now I’m rewriting them. Probably be the same again this time next year
Hey, don’t worry, I still don’t know my own number and I’ve had it for (can’t remember exactly …) a good few years!
Thank you for the compliment! I keep the posts 400 words and under, otherwise I would ramble on and on and on. I’ve had to reign myself in and hopefully grab a random surfer’s attention by keeping the posts short-ish. Your website is fab though, but I know what you mean. If I see a very long blog post, especially with no paragraphs, I just click away. My brain can’t cope!
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