I really have messed up.
I called a couple of friends over the last few days and without fail, they’ve said to me, ‘must dash!’.
I don’t blame them. I’m a terrible, awful friend.
I have been selfish, self-occupied and…..boring. I bore myself. So what hope do my friends have?
I love my friends but possibly I have called upon one too many favours. And what do they have in return? Nothing but a whingeing, boring peep, with MS her only conversation.
It wasn’t meant to be like this. I was supposed to be the living embodiment of ‘living well despite MS.’ So what happened?
Who knows. I think I am still the engaged, interested person I always was, but recent experience has shown me I really am not. Am I so used to MS now, it has become second nature? Is it me? Am I MS?
A depressing thought. But I guess not entirely surprising. I try to imagine myself if the roles were reversed. Could I be that patient, that understanding? For almost two years?
I love my friends. The thought of losing them is too terrible to bear. I have already lost so many since The Diagnosis.
I realised recently that I’m never invited out for lunch or coffee. Or, heaven forbid, a night out. I must have turned down so many invitations I’ve lost count. Friends have given up. ‘Nah, don’t bother asking Stumbling, she’ll only say no……’
I find myself in the position of calling friends and (begging just a little), ‘um. yeah, hi! Fancy getting together? Yeah, me! Um, ok, no worries……catch up soon, yeah (please)?’
Hmmm. My friends have been superstars. It’s me who is at fault. I. Am. Boring.
This is why I plan to take up the saxaphone this year. And why I have joined a friend’s book club (forget the first planned meeting, a disaster thanks to The Teenager).
To all the friends who have stuck by me, thank you.
x
Oh, no, SIF! Maybe you are being too hard on yourself. Well, certainly you are; what I meant is, maybe you are reading too much into it?? I tend to analyze other people’s behavior TO DEATH, and it often turns out they are so absorbed in their own lives that whatever they did that seemed like a slight really had nothing to do with me.
Anyway, from far across the Atlantic, I remain your friend! And I’d totally understand the cancelled dates, as I’d be doing it to you, too.
p.s. you are not boring! 🙂
I’m like you – I totally analyse peeps to DEATH. And yes, I really am that unimportant in their lives, lol.
I can see why people with MS maybe hang out with other people with MS. You don’t always need to explain I guess??
Anyway, you are my true friend across the ocean!!!
X
I have often felt the same, but, to be fair on myself I do have cognitive problems and I have found that I ramble now. Problem is, these days ms seems to be the only current affair that I am up on, and much as I have a lot to tell friends when I see them ( it’s not very often, but then they work)it’s usually all about me and my ms. Once I realise my mistake I apologise and change the subject but I always worry about the damage done.
Carrying on socially is hard and I do think that the mental/emotional effects of ms are underestimated. Sometimes I think it is just easier to get used to spending more time alone and keeping busy with hobbies/music/tv whilst keeping an eye out for depression which can creep up on anyone.
Chin up Stumbling. xxx
You’re just like me.
I too have cognitive problems. I repeat myself a heck of a lot and I also dream that I’ve had very real conversations. Weird.
Socially, yup, it’s very hard, when MS is such a big part of our lives. I am an idiot in company now.
My only saving grace is that I work with two very cheeky builders who know I have MS but treat me like every other (female) on the building site. I love it. They are very protective over me, but also take the mick hugely. If that makes sense!
As for the sax, just saving up. Can’t wait!!
x
if your friends don’t see the post, show and tell them 🙂 might help if they saw you were upset about it and really do still want to be friends?
for me, even before I was diagnosed I didn’t go out, too busy drawing or reading :p but my friends are still my friends and will talk to me
the sax can be hard to play sometimes, have you played any single-reed mouthpiece instruments before??
It’s very hard. I don’t want to bother them, but miss them like mad. I really do like my own company and have spent an awful lot of time on my own over the last two years. A push-pull scenario.
I’ve never played any instrument before….
x
hmmm well hopefully one of them reads this and if they talk amongst themselves let the other people know about the post. at a bit of a stalemate until someone sits a person down for coffee/lunch. being by yourself is perfectly fine, but you obviously really miss your friends and it hurts 🙁
playing an instrument can be a good hobby/skill to have 🙂 if you are seriously saving up for a sax, if there is a music store that you can get to, see if they will let you try to see if you can use a reed mouthpiece, some people can’t. and there are probably dozens and dozens of tutorials/lessons on youtube for people to watch, would be helpful. and having to press all those keys would probably be really good at keeping your hands working if any MS problems flare up with them
What a great tip!!! I will take your advice before I invest, lol.
I had a chat with a friend this morning about my post. He kind of understood where I was coming from, but said I was being waaay to hard on myself!
x
He is right, it does read as if you are being very hard on yourself
Yup, I think I am. I’m very critical of myself which is probably a bad habit.
I don’t think spending so much time on my own is helpful either. Too much to over analyse!
X
OMG. It’s taking a massive toll on me to not make a joke about that last line. (Apologies)
errrr, this didn’t show up where I thought it would. Well, now it’s just silly. Sigh. It was SUPPOSED to appear under Jennifer Rose’s question: have you played any single-reed mouthpiece instruments before??
Totes embarrassing now. Well, MORE totes embarrassing. Am shutting up this instant.
Don’t know what you could possibly mean…
lol!! well there are a lot of sexual jokes made towards the sax :p
No?! Really?? Yay!
x
Go on!!!
x
lol :p
most instruments have bad dirty jokes (well dirty for band geeks :p)
http://dirtybandjokes.tumblr.com/
Love it!!!!
x
I think their actions say more about them than you xxxx
Could be! Mind you, I have tested the patience of a lot of my friends 🙁
x