Sketching Out The Details

ahaLife is so hazy at the moment, everything put on hold until I hear from the DWP and their assassins assessors.

It’s a weird feeling; a bit like an MS relapse, when nothing is real and everything hurts.

PIP has taken over my life, as has peering into tiny details I normally prefer to gloss over. Yep, sounds just like a relapse, a DWP-sanctioned relapse?

Anyway, life continues for now; work, home, rest, sleep, work, home, rest, sleep. It doesn’t usually leave much room for any form of excitement. Until today, Christmas Day.

I woke up around 13 minutes before The Teenager, at 6.45, made a cup of coffee and looked around my house, as if for the last time.

I do this every day since the PIP forms, but today had a special poignancy. I’d ordered a home-cooked Christmas Lunch for Two, bought a big box of crackers and had dug out decorations and strings of fairy lights. It wasn’t the advert-perfect Christmas, but it worked. I think.

In amongst a wonderful day spent with family and friends, I received really thoughtful gifts which almost made me believe there could be a future beyond the DWP’s decision:

Beauty: this is always amazing as I normally feel so fat ‘n’ frumpy, having packed on the weight since Grave’s. My mum, brother and younger sister all gave me gorgeous gifts. I just have to embrace my size …

Practical: The Teenager gave me an Amazon voucher to buy books with. Perfect gift, my Wish List is long. My friend gave me an Amazon Echo, to train it to remind me to take my meds (he knows what it’s like when I don’t) and get up to speed with the news.

Inspirational: I was given two beautiful sketch pads and a pack of pencils. Yep, I’ve joined a Drawing Class in January.

I have no idea why, a totally impulse decision. I haven’t drawn anything since A Level Art; I think it’s a case of the orchestra playing on when the Titanic’s going down?

I want to believe there is still a normal life after this. Probably smaller, narrower and more careful than before, but still, some kind of life?

In the meantime, we are teaching Alexa the Amazon Echo to miaow and answer utterly random questions. She’s unfailingly polite; I asked her what she thought of the DWP and she said, ‘I don’t have an opinion on that.

Unlike me …

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10 thoughts on “Sketching Out The Details

  1. Beth says:

    Merry Christmas to you, my friend. It felt bittersweet to me, too. I’m trying to see the festive from the murky distance I’ve felt toward life in general for months now. It’s not easy and I don’t have a PIP thing hanging over my head. Sending you peaceful vibes in the new year! Xo

  2. Christina says:

    Wonderful as always been following you a few years now as I am sat in bath crying over my bloody body that I hate and energy that’s zero you made me smile .
    Been thru pip stuff and completed on line because writing has gone good luck sure you will be fine x happy Christmas

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Merry Christmas to you too! So sorry to hear you’re having a bad time 🙁 It’s a crappy illness to have, especially at this time of year. Well, any time of year I guess.
      Hoping you feel better soon 🙂 XX

  3. Annie says:

    Really hoping it all goes well for you ? sounds like you had a lovely couple of days. Us too apart from the fact that I feel like a beached whale? let the detox commence !! Sent you a twitter message on Christmas Eve but don’t think you saw it but hope you had a great time x

  4. Christina Martin says:

    Can I ask what there reason was to you for stopping payment told today mine getting stopped what can I do
    Any help much appreciated x

    • stumbling in flats says:

      They should send you a form clearly explaining their reasons for turning you down, some kind of report. You then use this to form the basis for your mandatory reconsideration – the MS Society website has a really useful booklet you can download which will explain each step. If possible, try to make a visit with your nearest Citizens Advice Bureau, who will try to assist you as much as they can. There’s a lot of support out there.
      My report from them was full of lies and misrepresentations, so it was almost too easy to draft a mandatory reconsideration, but that still got turned down so now I am waiting for an appeal 🙁 Don’t give up! X

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