Tag Archives: anniversary

Transformation. Complete?

When your world is turned upside downTomorrow it will be exactly a year since I was unceremoniously ushered out of the MS Limboland waiting room and into a whole new world of clinically definite multiple sclerosis.

MS has had an impact upon every area of my life. Everything has been transformed and I’m not the same person I was last May, but for my MS anniversary, I am going to concentrate on the positive changes.

I’ve done my grieving, I’ve cried myself hoarse. I could either live out a sad, bitter life, railing against the injustice of it all or seize this opportunity to change my life for the better.

I’m full of gratitude for the support network I have – the family and friends who stuck by me through the dark times. The ones who made a swift exit? Probably for the best, eh? I’m indebted to all the healthcare staff who pulled me through and who continue to support me and I’ve made a whole new circle of brilliant friends.

Being bullied at work and subsequently sacked simply for having MS showed me that when I’m pushed into a corner, I can still come out fighting. Ironically, as my colleagues were trying to crush my spirit, the whole experience made me stronger, braver and has restored my self-esteem.

Probably the biggest transformation though, is within my own character. I’m no longer willing to live a life according to what is ‘normal’ or what is expected of me. I am choosing my own path. For far too long I have gone through life reacting to the whims and actions of other people, forgetting in all the chaos that in fact, I had a choice all along.

It took something far bigger than those people to turn my world upside down and to put into perspective just how fleeting and how beautiful life is. MS is here to stay, for now, and as long as it does, we have to learn to get along. It’s part of me, so I can’t hate it. I have to keep learning to adapt, take the good days with the bad. Is the transformation complete? You betcha. Phase One at least….

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Happy Anniversary, MS (you suck)

cream pie on faceHey, MS, Happy 6 Month Anniversary! After a year of hell, I was officially diagnosed on 25th May. I don’t need to tell most of you how horrendous the diagnostic process can be, suffice to say I am overjoyed never, ever to have to go through a lumbar puncture again. Have you seen those needles?

Having MS sweep into your life is like having an ugly, unwanted house-guest move in with two huge suitcases and the kitchen sink. For ever. No matter how much you try to get on with life, work around them and keep ignoring them in the hope they will go away, they stick around.

Not content with that, they inflict pain on you mercilessly in unexpected ways, physically, mentally and emotionally. They rack up extra costs, they stop you going out as much as before and they chuck out your high heels (that was a cheap, low shot, MS). They rob you of your health, your confidence and your zest. They frighten your family and taunt you about your diminishing prospects.

If MS were a person, they’d be arrested and banged up for life.

So how do I feel, six months on? The absolute permanence of MS horrifies me. It will never go away. The progression of it, too,  is something I tuck away in the furthest reaches of my mind, only to be thought about in very dark moments. I hate the constant fear, the gnawing anxiety of a relapse just around the corner. I hate the way MS has shaken my life so completely to its foundations that nothing is the same as before.

I know, I need to embrace this illness. I should accept that MS is now indelibly imprinted on my life. I need to Think Positive! Meditate, do yoga, give up the sweets, the alcohol, the stress. Don’t we all? If pushed, I would say that the one thing MS has given me is the ability to appreciate things more. Not in a hippy-dippy, mung-bean eating way – just enjoying small pockets of time when everything is ok, I don’t take so much for granted now.

I am still debating whether to get a tattoo, to mark this little anniversary. Something small, just between me and MS. I want a barcode, with the words, Best Before 25/05/12. Or should that be Best After…?


Tagged , , ,