If you had met me just before I started this blog, you would probably never pick up the phone to me again or at the very least, you would raise an eyebrow at me pouring yet another glass of wine, sniveling and whining, ‘S’not fair, s’not fair, my life is over. Over, I tell you.’
I read an article recently about the difference between self-pity and self-care with grim recognition. When the whole MS saga began, I sought endless validation for all my negative, soul-destroying emotions, handing over responsibility for my pain to anyone who was willing to take it on. I was having a continuous pity party and everyone was invited.
Sympathy confirmed just how awful my situation was and I was free to carry on regardless. I spent long evenings trapped in dark thoughts, envisioning a bleak future, if I had a future at all.
What changed? I was hurtling downwards to the point of no return. I was alienating those closest to me. My situation might never change, but I could. I was utterly fed up and frightened of being a helpless victim of fate and decided to take back the reins of my life.
The friends who stuck by me through that period are the ones who poked fun at me – it was what I needed. The intention was never to undermine the seriousness of MS, just putting it into perspective. The symptoms weren’t going anywhere, so let’s have a bit of a laugh about it. The dodgy hands, the wonky feet, the complete inability to remember simple words.
I wanted to turn the whole thing on its head. Yes, MS is awful. Yes, it’s serious. And if you want to, you can live your life that way. Sure, I still have moments (days) of utter terror but I wanted to be in control of them so I started this blog to work out my feelings, to show there has to be a lighter side to MS, bizarre though that may seem.
So just like the Cyberman in my picture, the most terrifying things can be funny and no matter how dark the shadows, the light that shines nearby is even stronger.