Tag Archives: self-pity

Jan 21 2014
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Daily Life

Disarmed….

the one armed banditI think I got a bit carried away with the dumper truck in work last week.

I’d been allowed out the office (my laptop at home, Jeremy Kyle and coffee on tap) and let loose on one.

The steering wheel has a funny knobbly thing on it, so I happily swung it round and round, little realising the damage it would do to my arm and wrist.

Fast forward a couple of days and I’m in agony. I’ve sprained my right arm and I am once more off work. Getting to be a bit of a habit?

The Teenager has been pressed into service like never before – laundry, getting dishes out the oven, sweeping through the house. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth, ‘I am not your servant’ (stomp stomp) being a favourite retort, with me responding, ‘Oi! I can still flick the internet off with one finger, so ner, ner, ner, ner, ner.’

Anyway, I am moping around the house feeling rather sorry for myself. Who knew arms could be so useful? There is so much I just can’t do without reaching for the painkillers and ‘ooofing’ out loud. Shampooing my hair is farcical. Driving is off-limits and holding a book to read is deadly. I feel as if I’ve been snowed-in without the ‘yay, we’re in the middle of a national crisis!’ excitement that normally follows half an inch of the white stuff.

I took the bus into town yesterday to meet friends for a sushi lunch, and try as I might, I just can’t use chopsticks left-handed. So I gave it a go with my right, wincing, and I just about managed (I was hungry – 6 plates). I’ve bought myself a tubi-grip wotsit and it helps a little. I’ve weaned myself off the strong painkillers after I started dreaming whilst awake. In short, I am Fed Up.

The upside is, I have cleaned out the ‘whatever’ drawer, compiled an Amazon wish list, caught up with all my Scandi-crime programmes on my Sky Planner and got to grips (ha!) with my ‘iPad for Complete and Utter Idiots’ book. I am now semi-fluent in Danish and Swedish and have found my can opener. Plus I have a bunch of useless apps.

I had to text in sick this morning, something I hate doing. The boss responded, ‘no worries, we’re having a lovely fry-up in the cafe’. Meh. If the promise of that won’t get me back to work, nothing will. 5:2 diet be damned..

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Apr 22 2013
8 Comments
Emotions

You’re Having a Laugh…

Krispy Kreme CybermanIf you had met me just before I started this blog, you would probably never pick up the phone to me again or at the very least, you would raise an eyebrow at me pouring yet another glass of wine, sniveling and whining, ‘S’not fair, s’not fair, my life is over. Over, I tell you.’

I read an article recently about the difference between self-pity and self-care with grim recognition. When the whole MS saga began, I sought endless validation for all my negative, soul-destroying emotions, handing over responsibility for my pain to anyone who was willing to take it on. I was having a continuous pity party and everyone was invited.

Sympathy confirmed just how awful my situation was and I was free to carry on regardless. I spent long evenings trapped in dark thoughts, envisioning a bleak future, if I had a future at all.

What changed? I was hurtling downwards to the point of no return. I was alienating those closest to me. My situation might never change, but I could. I was utterly fed up and frightened of being a helpless victim of fate and decided to take back the reins of my life.

The friends who stuck by me through that period are the ones who poked fun at me – it was what I needed. The intention was never to undermine the seriousness of MS, just putting it into perspective. The symptoms weren’t going anywhere, so let’s have a bit of a laugh about it. The dodgy hands, the wonky feet, the complete inability to remember simple words.

I wanted to turn the whole thing on its head. Yes, MS is awful. Yes, it’s serious. And if you want to, you can live your life that way. Sure, I still have moments (days) of utter terror but I wanted to be in control of them so I started this blog to work out my feelings, to show there has to be a lighter side to MS, bizarre though that may seem.

So just like the Cyberman in my picture, the most terrifying things can be funny and no matter how dark the shadows, the light that shines nearby is even stronger.

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