Dodging The Bullet

dodging the bulletWell it seems the draggy, schleppy foot is here to stay for a little while longer.

It’s surprising how quickly I’ve got used to it, the exaggerated lifting of the offending foot. Apart from The Teenager mimicking the Kennedy Space Center voice – ‘One giant leap for woman….’

Anyway, I’ve been thinking. It could be an old symptom coming back in a sneaky, evolved form, or it could be a new symptom. I could tie myself up in knots about it. Like most of us with MS, I spend my days inwardly saying, ‘there goes the foot drop, oh, that’ll be the heat intolerance and yup, some loss of balance for good measure.’ And, ‘can I go to sleep now?’

Maybe I spend so much time in fear of a new symptom, a relapse, a further loss, that I forget to concentrate on the here and now. The MS symptoms will go their own way regardless. The way my mind goes is of my own choosing. Over that, at least, I have a modicum of control.

So maybe I should stop worrying about dodging the bullet. If it happens, it happens. I was utterly paralysed by fear last week. And what good did it do me? I came down with a stomach bug.

In a way, it was a relief to concentrate on a non-MS symptom for once. All thoughts of MS were pushed out my mind as I put my much-diminished energy in to becoming better. As quickly as possible. I crawled back into bed, the monotony of it only relieved by my friend delivering me all the Saturday newspapers, a McDonalds burger and Coke (I know, I know, but it helped) and a big bag of chocolate buttons.

If this last week has taught me anything at all, it is that MS is part of who I am. The more I try to side-swerve and ignore what is happening, the more I suffer when a symptom comes to the fore. It’s not about giving in, but accepting that it happens.

The meltdown I went through was probably far worse than the symptom itself. And what does that show me? It is my mind, not my body that is out of control. A sobering thought.

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14 thoughts on “Dodging The Bullet

  1. Randy says:

    Wow! You have a great attitude toward the invader, MS and stress go hand in hand. Whenever the two get together, all stops are pulled out. Try to stay positive that it will go away. I’m cheering for you.

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Thank you for your lovely comment!
      Yup, have realised that I really don’t need to panic so much. What will be will be. And no amount of stressing will make it any better and more likely, make it worse.
      Fingers crossed all will be back to ‘normal’ soon!

  2. Laura Lane says:

    Been there too many times, my Dad tells me off warning of a self fulfilling prophecy and he’s so right but try telling my stupid mind that. Over analyses does no good, you’re right, we can’t change it but we can manage it better and chocolate goes a long way to help: at least it makes me think I should diet rather than worry about MS! Another excellent post.

    • stumbling in flats says:

      What a great comment!
      So good to know I am not alone, lol. And you’re right, it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s the constant battle between the mind and the body!
      Chocolate always, always helps to soften the blow. Those chocolate buttons were amaaaaaazing.

  3. Sally says:

    Congratulations. Facing up to the fact that a large bag of chocolate buttons really is part of the solution is a great place to start. (Especially if they are giant chocolate buttons)

  4. Phill Evans says:

    They say we can be hit by a bus whenever we go out. I think when you have MS you know which number of bus to look out for…

  5. Karen Schlotter says:

    So true about the mind being the most out of control. I find that I fear my fear more than new or worsening symptoms. I just keep trying to remind myself that worrying does nothing but keep you from enjoying the present moment, whatever it may be, and does absolutely NOTHING to change your future!

    Hope you’re feeling better soon. Keep posting!

  6. I was going to post something inspiring and cheery, but have gotten totally sidetracked by CHOCOLATE BUTTONS. As you may recall, the Swank Diet (meh) forbids chocolate, so any reference to it will derail me completely.

    [insert inspiring/cheery comment here; I’m off to eat a 3-day-old banana]

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