I’m only wondering as I’ve gone from one extreme to the other in the space of a month.
Four weeks ago I was catapulted back to square one, with the worst symptoms I’ve had since the very beginning of MS. I was rigid with panic, terrified as to what it could mean for me and The Teenager.
I was pretty much unable to function at all. In the last few days though, I’m suddenly on much more of an even keel.
It goes without saying , my despised eternal enemies – foot drop, heat-intolerance, fatigue, not-working hands are still here and no doubt always will be.
Who’s idea was it to buy the kitten two ‘fun play-tunnels’? She probably has more fun watching me trip over them than running through the pesky things and batting the tied-on plastic balls at each ends. She strategically shifts their locations around the room, so when I come back from work, she sits back and waits for the hilarity to begin before rushing to her food bowl and looking at me with huge, pleading eyes
So if I’m confused by this rapid turnaround of symptoms, how do we explain this to other people? And how do we come to terms with the fact that it might not last. Or maybe it might. For a while longer. Or maybe not.
I’m sure my friends and family are realising that I’m just not the same person they used to know. One day I’m fine. The next I’m not. Essentially, MS is always, always at the forefront, no matter how well it’s behaving itself. I try to shove it down, squash it into submission but it’s forever seeping through the seams of my life, colouring everything it touches.
I think it’s got to the point that whenever I meet up with someone, the first thing we have to do is establish where I am on the MS-Scale. After that, what should I do? Brush it under the carpet? Dismiss the hateful symptoms with a wry laugh? Or bore them rigid with dark fears?
There is no easy answer. I worry that ‘what’s she banging on about (again), she looks fine‘ is lingering in their minds; I run a house, I’m raising a Teenager single-handedly, I’m taking a Master’s, I work. I can’t be that bad?
I wish people could see the network of mechanisms behind the scenes – the forward-planning, the endless lists, the time-management. It’s exhausting. I’m like one of those ducks – calm on the surface, gliding along, but with little flappy feet frantically pedalling, unseen.