Out of Kilter

rouletteLife is odd.

We click along in our own unique cogs, ensuring each cog fits the next one so we have  perfectly functioning life.

My cog clicks in with The Teenager’s, and my house and my work. And the kitten. And when it runs smoothly, it’s great.

The thing is, my cog seems to be out of kilter right now, jarring with each of the other ones, and it’s creating havoc.

It started small, inconspicuous, a couple of years ago. My speech went out of kilter. MS. Then my walking. MS. Then my brain. MS. The cogs clogged up, lol.

I think, ever since my diagnosis, I’ve been striving to get all these cogs working properly again. Some have, and we muddle along and it’s great. It’s a bit like oiling the daily machinery of life.

Yet, there’s one cog, possibly the largest one, which refuses to shift back into place. I feel somehow disconnected, rolling around like a ball on a roulette table, never quite finding my own space until the last minute.

I guess I haven’t quite ‘clicked’ back in to place. I used to be (I think, anyway) a great mother. I used to be a worthy colleague. I used to have  boyfriend. I used to have opportunities and possibilities.

And now? I’m that little ball, trundling along the wheel, trying to find out where I fit in.

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4 thoughts on “Out of Kilter

  1. Peter says:

    You still are a great mother, a worthy colleague, and your possibilities and opportunities are right around the corner. Your relationship will show itself when the right person meets you …. Look at what you have done to help hundreds and thousands around the world with your blog …. You are the main wheel let the others fit in to your world !!!

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Aw, bless you!
      I’ve just been feeling out of balance for the last couple of weeks. Not sure if it’s the thyroid (which is playing up again). In fact, it probably is!
      Like lots of us, MS throws life in to disarray, lol. I guess I’m still working out who I am!

  2. Tanya says:

    My analysis and assumption is MS wants us #msers to change who we used to be. Give us a different insight and appreciate LIFE differently. Use our words and imagination to express and show who we are and how feel.
    Change what you feel that MS takes and acknowledge what it gives. Humility, hope, strength, togetherness of community ☀️

    • stumbling in flats says:

      What a lovely comment, thank you!
      Very, very true. It’s all about different insights and appreciating a new way of living. I like that!

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