I’m going through some weird kind of middling relapse.
It hasn’t poleaxed me – but it’s come pretty close – and it hasn’t rendered me absolutely useless for work (yup, The Boss would no doubt disagree). Although I was off work for several weeks over the Winter with a concrete, solid, horrendous relapse.
Instead, it’s calibrated itself just so:
- Just so that I can go to work, but end up on the sofa for the rest of the day/evening.
- Just so that I can manage to supply The Teenager with pocket money but only a passing interest in his Instagram photos of blurry figures bouncing along to some soundtrack in a dark and dingy club.
- Just so that I can feed the cat but not take delight in the fact that she loves her £5.99 Play Tunnel from ‘Bargains R Us’, cunningly laced with a liberal spray of catnip.
Super-glued to my sofa, I have a whole lot of time to reflect, and feel ill. Part of me wishes the relapse was a full-blown beauty, blasting real life out of the water. The other part is eternally grateful I can still manage a semblance of normality.
Which comprises:
- Bustling around when The Teenager is home from school (for four minutes, long enough to Meet ‘n’ Greet, bring him up to speed on the fridge contents and arrange a money transfer).
- Bustling around when The Cat comes home, chastising her for staying out all night then feeding her special biscuits (a free gift from Ocado).
- Replying to emails, using a jaunty, happy tone. Before dying slowly and feeling very sorry for myself.
I was chatting to The Boss today in the van on our way between jobs. I was trying to explain to him how it felt:
‘… you know, when you’re shattered, lying on the sofa wishing that someone could just make dinner? And the laundry was done. And the place was clean-ish?’
He paused. Then laughed. ‘My mum does my laundry and if I’m hungry, I get a Deliveroo.’
I give up …
Great post. I also feel “just so.” I had a relapse in December of 2015, and was left with blaaah. Lots of it. It’s gets tedious to go on and on like this. I keep hoping it will pass, but not yet. It is amazing the human capacity for adaptation. You describe the double-edged wish for either a “full-blown beauty,” and being grateful it is only as bad as it is. What an odd way to live, I think, but I live that way, too. I hear ya’ sister.
It’s a totally bizarre way to live!
I’m still trucking along, getting away with the bare minimum, still not being able to go out with friends in the evening. Although I really, really have to try for book club tomorrow after missing the last couple 🙁
x
Aw feel for you … bit the same at mo… permanently exhausted but trying to pretend I’m not…..swirling weird head… off balance…horrible…. feeling sorry for myself and yes I tell people I’m great but I’m so not!! Why do we do that?
That’s weird – I have a horrible swirling head at the moment too :-(. Plus feeling like I’m going to throw up sometimes and my balance has disappeared.
And I’m doing exactly the same thing too; I tell everyone I’m doing just fine. Is it a British thing?!
X
Must be, because I always say I’m fine even when I’m not. No energy today, not that I have anyway, bored to tears and fed up. That’s more than I would say to anyone else, except my husband of course.
Joan (Wales)
I’m with you. I’ve been on the sofa pretty much all day today and when my friend texted to ask how I was doing, I replied, ‘oh, I’m good.’
Wonder what would happen if I started getting honest …
x
I’m Irish haha …. so not sure why. Think I don’t want the pity thing and people talking about how poorly I am!! That’s assuming I’m the topic conversation lol… probably not actually? Anyway trying to power through and hoping it settles soon ?? keep well x
That’s a very good point – I guess if we were completely honest, we’d either get pity or people would get fed up. I think if someone asked me every day over the last three months how I was doing, I would have to truly say, ‘awful’.
x
Sorry if this post shows up twice .. tech issues ? I’m Irish ☘️so we can’t say it’s a British thing ? I think I don’t want the pity thing and peeps talking about how poorly I am … that’s assuming I’m the topic of everybody’s conversation lol … doubtful!!! Keep pedallin ?X
It did, don’t worry about it 🙂
I’m Scottish and not feeling entirely British at the moment anyway lol.
After a whole day of doing nothing except watching Orange is the new Black and sleeping, I feel almost ready to go back to work tomorrow. But that will probably change when my alarm goes off!
x
Sundayitis well and truly kicked in ?Alarm set 6.30am?Have a good week x
And you! x