Middling Along …

fineI’m going through some weird kind of middling relapse.

It hasn’t poleaxed me  – but it’s come pretty close – and it hasn’t rendered me absolutely useless for work (yup, The Boss would no doubt disagree). Although I was off work for several weeks over the Winter with a concrete, solid, horrendous relapse.

Instead, it’s calibrated itself just so:

  • Just so that I can go to work, but end up on the sofa for the rest of the day/evening.
  • Just so that I can manage to supply The Teenager with pocket money but only a passing interest in his Instagram photos of blurry figures bouncing along to some soundtrack in a dark and dingy club.
  • Just so that I can feed the cat but not take delight in the fact that she loves her £5.99 Play Tunnel from ‘Bargains R Us’, cunningly laced with a liberal spray of catnip.

Super-glued to my sofa, I have a whole lot of time to reflect, and feel ill. Part of me wishes the relapse was a full-blown beauty, blasting real life out of the water. The other part is eternally grateful I can still manage a semblance of normality.

Which comprises:

  • Bustling around when The Teenager is home from school (for four minutes, long enough to Meet ‘n’ Greet, bring him up to speed on the fridge contents and arrange a money transfer).
  • Bustling around when The Cat comes home, chastising her for staying out all night then feeding her special biscuits (a free gift from Ocado).
  • Replying to emails, using a jaunty, happy tone. Before dying slowly and feeling very sorry for myself.

I was chatting to The Boss today in the van on our way between jobs. I was trying to explain to him how it felt:

‘… you know, when you’re shattered, lying on the sofa wishing that someone could just make dinner? And the laundry was done. And the place was clean-ish?’

He paused. Then laughed. ‘My mum does my laundry and if I’m hungry, I get a Deliveroo.’

I give up …

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12 thoughts on “Middling Along …

  1. Cynthia Samford says:

    Great post. I also feel “just so.” I had a relapse in December of 2015, and was left with blaaah. Lots of it. It’s gets tedious to go on and on like this. I keep hoping it will pass, but not yet. It is amazing the human capacity for adaptation. You describe the double-edged wish for either a “full-blown beauty,” and being grateful it is only as bad as it is. What an odd way to live, I think, but I live that way, too. I hear ya’ sister.

    • stumbling in flats says:

      It’s a totally bizarre way to live!
      I’m still trucking along, getting away with the bare minimum, still not being able to go out with friends in the evening. Although I really, really have to try for book club tomorrow after missing the last couple 🙁

  2. Annie says:

    Aw feel for you … bit the same at mo… permanently exhausted but trying to pretend I’m not…..swirling weird head… off balance…horrible…. feeling sorry for myself and yes I tell people I’m great but I’m so not!! Why do we do that?

    • stumbling in flats says:

      That’s weird – I have a horrible swirling head at the moment too :-(. Plus feeling like I’m going to throw up sometimes and my balance has disappeared.
      And I’m doing exactly the same thing too; I tell everyone I’m doing just fine. Is it a British thing?!

      • Joan Ainsworth says:

        Must be, because I always say I’m fine even when I’m not. No energy today, not that I have anyway, bored to tears and fed up. That’s more than I would say to anyone else, except my husband of course.

        Joan (Wales)

        • stumbling in flats says:

          I’m with you. I’ve been on the sofa pretty much all day today and when my friend texted to ask how I was doing, I replied, ‘oh, I’m good.’
          Wonder what would happen if I started getting honest …

      • Annie says:

        I’m Irish haha …. so not sure why. Think I don’t want the pity thing and people talking about how poorly I am!! That’s assuming I’m the topic conversation lol… probably not actually? Anyway trying to power through and hoping it settles soon ?? keep well x

        • stumbling in flats says:

          That’s a very good point – I guess if we were completely honest, we’d either get pity or people would get fed up. I think if someone asked me every day over the last three months how I was doing, I would have to truly say, ‘awful’.

      • Annie says:

        Sorry if this post shows up twice .. tech issues ? I’m Irish ☘️so we can’t say it’s a British thing ? I think I don’t want the pity thing and peeps talking about how poorly I am … that’s assuming I’m the topic of everybody’s conversation lol … doubtful!!! Keep pedallin ?X

        • stumbling in flats says:

          It did, don’t worry about it 🙂
          I’m Scottish and not feeling entirely British at the moment anyway lol.
          After a whole day of doing nothing except watching Orange is the new Black and sleeping, I feel almost ready to go back to work tomorrow. But that will probably change when my alarm goes off!

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