Now? Really?

sofaMS played a real blinder yesterday.

I left my house early to attend an important meeting.

When I got back hours later and put the key in my lock, I was hit by a swinging bunch of MS boxing gloves, all aiming straight for me. I was utterly hammered and poleaxed by MS.

MS is very rude and completely lacking in manners.

I collapsed into the nearest chair and stayed there for an hour. I couldn’t move, couldn’t think. All I could do was stare straight ahead, stunned by overwhelming fatigue.

Eventually, I crawled to the sofa and stayed there for another hour, shopping bags at my feet, the cat demonstrating her increasing annoyance that her food bowl was empty and I wasn’t playing with her.

Inside, I was screaming. Thoughts came rushing back into my battered brain – if I can get up, I must feed the cat. If I can get up, I have to cook dinner. If I can get up, I can tidy up.

If I could only get up.

I have never felt more alone. The skies darkened outside, the curtains remained open. The rain hammered down.

I knew what was happening – a complete MS blackout. I’m surprised it took so long.

These last three weeks I’ve been running on adrenalin and carbs, looking after my ill relative (with the help of my wonderful family), working, studying, sorting out The Teenager and the house. I’m a bruised duck, gliding erratically along, paddling frantically beneath the surface.

MS is never far away. It’s a dark shadow, stalking and lurking, just waiting to strike again.

The evening rolled on. If I could just get through it and fall into bed, the morning might look brighter. When I was able to, I feigned productivity – reading a couple of chapters of my ‘How To Write a Novel’ book, starting a shopping list – Bloo, bin bags, strawberry jam – , changing the loo roll in the bathroom. Result.

At 9pm I melted into my bed and stayed there for eleven hours.

Today has been better but I’m still battling to keep MS at bay. I’m exhausted but still trucking on. This is not the time to square up to MS. There’s never a good time, but, seriously, now?

Anyway, this evening I will mostly be trying to complete my homework for Uni tomorrow; I will be attempting to compose my novel synopsis – something along the lines of, ‘this will be a superlatively wonderful book and I’ll do lots of research, honest.’

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9 thoughts on “Now? Really?

  1. Judy Epstein says:

    Oye vey!* I’d love to invite you and The Teenager to our house for dinner tonight, but we’re too far away… Give The Teenager a few cooking lessons in the neighbouhood?

    * OMG in Yiddish

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Aw, bless you!
      Luckily, The Teenager was with his dad for the day and then went out to the cinema with friends so was safely away when all this was happening. Thank goodness!
      p.s. I’m loving the Oye vey!!

  2. Samantha says:

    Frightening stuff ?
    I have to say your description of MS blackout has helped me tremendously. I had an episode last year in August that was unfamiliar and during my yearly review I found it hard to describe. It scared me silly and reading your blog today has reminded me of that fear. If you don’t mind, I will use that in the future?
    I read your posts every time but I just haven’t commented for ages, sorry. A great help as always,
    Thank you.
    Sam x

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Hi Sam!
      So great to hear from you. I loved your comment, and ‘glad’ to hear I’m not the only one who has experienced this – please feel free to use my post!!
      It was pretty horrific. Black, dense, thick fog. Horrible.
      p.s.please let me know how it goes with neuro 🙂

  3. Tricia says:

    Oh my god, I no exactly how you feel, yesterday I was in bed all day and all night, it hit me like a brick. No warning, just bang. I could not move, I did not eat. I just felt empty. A bit of a better day today. But so much I need to do, a house, family and a husband to look after. It looks so easy to the outside world, but to us with MS it’s not. Xxx

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Brilliant comment – totally describes how I felt!
      Hoping you’re getting better. And you’re right, it does look so easy to other people.

  4. Michael Johnson says:

    Thanks for posing posting this as I never knew it existed. An MS blackout seems to hit anytime so guess you can’t plan for it.
    Poor cat though x

    • stumbling in flats says:

      I know 🙁
      It happens to me more than I’d care to admit and it’s truly horrible. Had another one, although not as long, the other day.

  5. […] Now? Really? by Stumbling in Flats is the perfect word picture of what happened to me last Thursday and still hasn’t fully retreated. She describes basically running into a brick wall of MS fatigue,quite eloquently I might add, and being stuck in a chair unable to think or move for at least an hour. […]

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