Stumbling in Flats

I have been out twice this year.

With my ill relative taking up most of my spare time (what little there is of it – Teenager, Masters, Cat), this is quite an achievement.

So when my friend texted last week asking me to try a new restaurant, my first thoughts were, ‘I’m shattered, I can’t, I’m not dressed, I’m tired. I’m boring.’

Cannily, he sent the text four hours before said restaurant reservation, so I had fewer excuses, apart from the fact that I had just applied a stinging face pack and had inadvertently loaded on a good few pounds since the last time I had been out for dinner, way back in 2015.

He picked me up and we set off. I checked my blotched complexion in my tiny mirror. I tugged my hem and shifted my considerable weight in the car seat.

We got there early, so went to the pub round the corner for a drink. Reader, I have never felt more conspicuous. I was twitching with MS and my walk was funny. In short, I looked a few sheets to the wind. When we sat down, I tried to look sophisticated but got wine up my nose when my elbow slipped on the shiny table as I was holding my glass.

After our drinks, we walked across to the restaurant. It was empty. The waiter flourished menus in our faces and told us he had the perfect table reserved just for us. The one in the back corner. By the kitchen and next to the toilets.

Inwardly, I collapsed. My friend took the reins and asked for a table nearer the front. Was it me? Had he taken one look at my quivering large mass and decided I was better suited at a table out of the way? My self-confidence has taken a serious knock this year, but this was surely confirmation?

I hastily ordered and popped to the loo where they had fitted a circus fun-house mirror. You know, the one where they make you look ginormous. I turned this way and that. Ah. We have a problem. Four months of comfort-eating have taken their toll and I am now a Blob.

I quickly ran through some positive thinking mantras – ‘you are a worthy peep, you may be fat but you have a nice lovely personality, get back down there and enjoy yourself, life is short’, etc, etc.

I took a deep breath. Here goes. Well, I sailed back to the table with only one tiny foot-drop trip, sat down with a triumphant thud and had a wonderful dinner with my friend. The best this year, lol.

The diet starts tomorrow.