Arthouse Bingo

bingo timeThe Teenager was away at the weekend, so I went to an arty cafe/winebar/arts space to pretend to be cultivated, arty and interesting. Hopefully my pale, MS-tired face added to the mystique.

To pass the time and look as if I am writing an angsty novel, I play ‘Arthouse Bingo’. The rules are easy – a point if you can spot each of the following, and if you get to 5, buy yourself another drink:

  • Massively over-sized lampshades, preferably in black.
  • No menus, just a huge blackboard with locally-sourced food, i.e. they went to the local Lidl, bought some salami and Parma ham and slapped it on a slate tile with a couple of sliced gherkins.
  • A higher than average array of beardy men (and some women). Likewise, a higher than average amount of red trousers worn.
  • A minimum of 30 European beers with ‘ironic’ names – the easy way to get intellectually inebriated.
  • Lots of conversations starting with, ‘But is it art?’
  • A tribe of wild-looking children running amok as the parents look on indulgently, ‘Juniper, Hugo and Mabel, darlings, untie Milly and come and eat your asparagus soldiers.’
  • A book-swap corner – a bookcase where you can bring your old tat and swap it for a 1992 Driving Atlas of France.
  • Coffee must be handpicked by an organic wizard in deepest Columbia.
  • Lots of women with flowing hair, strings of hand-made beads and jangly silver bracelets.
  • Old Skool puddings on the menu – spotted dick, apple crumble, custard, etc. Such fun!
  • At least 5 terribly anguished-looking people hunched over MacBooks.
  • If there is a cinema, listen out for, ‘Oh, but I preferred the book, the original Dutch translation.’
  • Everyone speaks very LOUD. No need for music unless there is a visiting harmonica group from Patagonia.

Anyway, I passed a lovely couple of hours, braying loudly, speculating as to whether the huge painting in the bar was art or not. I rattled my beads intelligently and enjoyed my ironic glass of dry white wine. I have past form in these places – as a teenager, I considered myself to be the coolest person ever, standing by the bar, beret on, reading Jean-Paul Sartre and talking utter nonsense.

If I had the nerve (and legs), I would love to turn up in a denim mini-skirt and white stilettos. Only two flaws with that plan – one, I can’t walk in heels and two, the crowd would probably think I was the performance art…….

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11 thoughts on “Arthouse Bingo

  1. Allyson says:

    Quote of the week goes to…… “‘Juniper, Hugo and Mabel, darlings, untie Milly and come and eat your asparagus soldiers.’”…. made me giggle out loud in the middle of the office!!! Priceless…. :o)

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Thank you! True quote. I could have written screeds, honestly, lol. I think I could sit in that place all day and just watch. I’m incredibly nosy!

  2. Nicole says:

    I wonder if we have something like that here? Sounds entertaining.

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Oh, we seem to have a growing number of them here. Must be avoided during the morning rush of mums and buggies, you can’t move for them!

  3. I spent far too much time in my youth braying loudly in crappy bars. Alas, the array of meds I’m on now means I’m restricted to one drink per outing. That dreadful limitation really tends to make braying less likely (and trips to bars far less amusing). Love your bingo game, though!

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Thanks! It was actually a friend of mine who ‘introduced’ me to the game, and our list is far longer than the blog post would allow. All good fun though, and I definitely tick a good few of the boxes myself, lol. I’m currently rocking the ‘anguished writer’ pose but haven’t quite got the eyebrows right. Dodgy hand not great for holding coffee cup either (rattle, rattle). Much easier to hold a large glass of wine, but that’s my excuse!

      • stumbling in flats says:

        p.s. I haven’t forgotten about the book club, honest. Seems to be difficult to sort out through my blog, perhaps we’ll have to set one up through Will sort it out. Better study a bit for uni, first essay due in end of March, meh. All book suggestions gratefully received though and I will start a list.

      • It is a brilliant excuse. Also, be careful with the eyebrows. I’d think tweezers might be tricky as well. You want “anguished writer” not “mentally ill scary person.”

        • stumbling in flats says:

          Ha! Me and my tweezers have a love-hate relationship, ditto eyeliner. Get a beautiful line, then bam, I look like I’ve been punched in the face, stoooopid shaky hand.
          Someone ought to start Make Up for MSers lessons.
          p.s. my anguished writer look is currently – black polo neck (turtle neck in Americanese?) plus slouchy ankle boots, ‘interesting’ jewelry and a well-used notebook with nice, inky black pen. It’s just the facial expressions I can’t seem to get. Want to look like Audrey Hepburn or Juliette Binoche but more often than not, look like I’m on day release.

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