Category Archives: Emotions

May 18 2013
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Emotions

Everything’s Coming Up Roses…

everything's coming up rosesI’ve been feeling oddly laid back about my recent accident, and it’s not all down to the painkillers. Or chocolate.

Like a lot of people I’ve spoken to over the last few years, coping with something life-changing such as MS puts things into perspective. Life is constantly throwing up obstacles and no one ever said it’d be easy.

But isn’t that the point? We expect things to tick along nicely –  the fulfilling job, the blessed marriage, the nice house, the well-behaved kids – and in striving to achieve all that security, we bring the stress into our lives. When things go wrong, we can’t cope.

I read an article the other day about the American philosopher Alan Watts, who wrote ‘The Wisdom of Insecurity’, a radical approach to dealing with anxiety. He writes that in uncertain times, we respond by chasing after security in order to make the worry disappear, but the struggle to feel secure is the very thing that causes anxiety.

He puts the case that life is inherently insecure and the only way not to feel insecure is to dive straight into reality, with all its uncertainties.

Blimey. Mind-bending stuff for my MS brain, but I think without realising it, it’s the way I live now. I have struggled over the last decade to create security for me and The Teenager and it’s been a daily uphill slog. My anxiety levels have shot through the roof at times. And then one beautiful, sunny day, MS crashed into my life and smashed it to smithereens, unveiling the stark reality that there was in fact no security in my life at all.

So, post MS-devastation, I have handled this  unexpected accident pretty well. It happened. It’s grim. But there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it and raging about how this has yet again brought chaos and uncertainty to my life won’t do me any good. Life is never secure and anyone living with MS knows that, so why not turn it to our advantage?

Forget the roses, I’m just like bamboo now – I sway with the wind but I won’t break.

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May 12 2013
16 Comments
Emotions

How To Lose Friends And Alienate People

IMG-20130511-00150Having something as serious as MS enter your life changes it forever. Family, work, future plans, and of course, health.

Sadly, it also lets you find out who your true friends are.

Right from the start, cherished friends deserted my sinking ship just when I needed them most. Some left abruptly without a backwards glance, others backed away slowly, step by step.

Why? I guess there are many reasons. Were they worried they’d be roped into looking after me? Would I rely on them more than usual? Were we now too different, too alienated from each other to have much in common any more?

Conversely, other friends rose to the challenge – they stuck by me through everything. They listened to me rant and rave, they wiped my tears, poured my wine and probably ended up knowing more about MS than they could ever have imagined.

Two years on, I thought nothing else could surprise me. I have a fantastic circle of friends and I hope I’m a good friend to them too, and as the MS crisis has receded, our relationship has re-balanced itself.

A couple of weeks ago, my world was rocked once more. An old friend got back in touch. We met years ago in work and although we only kept in touch sporadically, we always picked up where we left off.

We chatted by text and I suggested he look at my blog to catch up with everything that had happened since we last spoke. And that was the last I heard from him.

I feel hurt. Actually, I feel extremely hurt. And angry. The ripples and repercussions from MS are still going on, two years down the line. Now I’m semi-housebound once more after falling last week, I have too much time on my hands to reflect on this. And do you know what? It’s all good.

Those ‘friends’ who’ve left have made way for even better friends. They took their hang-ups and made space for new friends to fill the void.

If any of my friends ever face a situation like I have and I’m not sure how to handle it, the least I can say is, ‘I don’t know what to do or say, but I am here for you, you know that.’ And that is the mark of a real friend.

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Apr 26 2013
8 Comments
Emotions

Regrets? I’ve Had A Few…

stonesI have a 90 year old friend, Tom, who’s in poor health. Yesterday, over a cup of tea, he took my hand and said, ‘Don’t end up like this. Don’t get to my age and have regrets. I know you’ve got MS, but get yourself out there.’

I asked him what he regretted, what did he wish he had done differently? He thought for a moment before saying he would have worked less, been happier and kept nothing  for ‘best’.

I went home deep in thought. On the internet, I found an excellent blog, Inspiration and Chai, written by a palliative nurse, Bronnie Ware, who cared for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. Her observations have been collated in a book, ‘The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.’

I expected to be depressed after reading them, but instead I felt motivated to keep on improving my life and learn from the wisdom of others who have gone before. The five most common regrets are:

  1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
  2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
  3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
  4. I wish I ‘d stayed in touch with my friends.
  5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

The last point for me was the most interesting. Bronnie Ware writes that many people did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed in old patterns and habits and the fear of change had them pretending to others, and themselves, that they were happy.

I want to live a fulfilled life. I have enough regrets already, so maybe I should just choose to be happier. Chase the dreams, make mistakes and pick myself back up again. At least I can say I tried. Having MS  has brought clarity and a sharp focus to my life. So, thank you, Tom, for giving me a much-needed push in the right direction.

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Apr 22 2013
8 Comments
Emotions

You’re Having a Laugh…

Krispy Kreme CybermanIf you had met me just before I started this blog, you would probably never pick up the phone to me again or at the very least, you would raise an eyebrow at me pouring yet another glass of wine, sniveling and whining, ‘S’not fair, s’not fair, my life is over. Over, I tell you.’

I read an article recently about the difference between self-pity and self-care with grim recognition. When the whole MS saga began, I sought endless validation for all my negative, soul-destroying emotions, handing over responsibility for my pain to anyone who was willing to take it on. I was having a continuous pity party and everyone was invited.

Sympathy confirmed just how awful my situation was and I was free to carry on regardless. I spent long evenings trapped in dark thoughts, envisioning a bleak future, if I had a future at all.

What changed? I was hurtling downwards to the point of no return. I was alienating those closest to me. My situation might never change, but I could. I was utterly fed up and frightened of being a helpless victim of fate and decided to take back the reins of my life.

The friends who stuck by me through that period are the ones who poked fun at me – it was what I needed. The intention was never to undermine the seriousness of MS, just putting it into perspective. The symptoms weren’t going anywhere, so let’s have a bit of a laugh about it. The dodgy hands, the wonky feet, the complete inability to remember simple words.

I wanted to turn the whole thing on its head. Yes, MS is awful. Yes, it’s serious. And if you want to, you can live your life that way. Sure, I still have moments (days) of utter terror but I wanted to be in control of them so I started this blog to work out my feelings, to show there has to be a lighter side to MS, bizarre though that may seem.

So just like the Cyberman in my picture, the most terrifying things can be funny and no matter how dark the shadows, the light that shines nearby is even stronger.

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Apr 10 2013
10 Comments
Emotions

Feeling Blue? Think Yellow…

feeling blue - think yellowThe miserable Arctic weather and lack of sunshine is making me feel, well, miserable. Thankfully I recently bought Albert Espinosa’s fabulous book, The Yellow World and life suddenly looks a whole lot brighter.

Espinosa wrote the book after surviving cancer, and many of his inspiring points can apply to anyone, not just people living with a serious illness:

Ask 5 good questions each day – silly ones, practical ones, emotional ones. No matter what the question is, having answers will empower you.

Keep a life record – keeping things that are important to you at the time can help you look back and realise how unimportant they are now. The embodiment of the ‘but will it matter in a years time?’ rule. Also keep things that remind you of good times – the heart-shaped stone you found on a beach, the drawing your nephew made just for you.

Find the positives – life doesn’t go to plan, but your reactions to it can. Even if it’s only small, try to find something positive in everything.

Take 20 minutes out every day – Espinosa learned this from having to stay still during scans. Shutting out life for just 20 minutes can free the mind.

Look at things – so often we rush through life not noticing our surroundings. Try to make a conscious effort to see the details we often miss.

Finally, collect Yellows. You know who they are – the people with that certain energy, that goodness about them that just makes you want to be in their orbit. MS has taught me to turn away from the negative people I used to know, the energy-sappers, the fair-weather friends, the doom-and-gloom merchants. I just don’t have the space or time for them in my life any more. Their ‘void’ has been filled by people I can’t wait to spend time with. If anyone else has read this book, let me know what you think?

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