Identity Theft

thiefMS is a dirty, rotten scoundrel.

A thief.

As soon as you surrender your details – your symptoms, your weird feelings, your wonky emotions – MS snatches it all and steals your identity in return. You are now a victim of MS Identity Fraud.

The person you thought you were – independent, strong, single-minded – gone – and it’s up to you to work out how to put the falling pieces of your life back together, just when you’re at your most vulnerable.

If allowed free reign, MS will take your future; you know, the one you had all mapped out. It might take your partner, your job, your security, and of course, your health. Sadly, I speak from experience.

I’d like to think I’m trucking along just fine after those awful Two Years of MS Oblivion, but sometimes, just sometimes, MS still has the ability to knock me sideways. Like yesterday.

I was on the sofa, natch, when all of a sudden my arms and hands started trembling. I wasn’t too worried to start with as I get numb hands on a regular basis and thought MS was just shaking things up a little, quite literally. Then I stood up.

My whole body was trembling and I couldn’t stop it. My head was jerking, I could feel my chest moving and my legs soon followed suit. Tremors, all over the place.

I pushed down the panic and started to make dinner. I stabbed myself in the hand trying to dissect some lettuce then dropped a plate on the floor. I sat down on the sofa again, panicking a lot more now.

I did the first thing I could think of, call my mum.

‘Muuuuuuum, something really scary is going on and it’s got nothing to do with The Teenager.’

‘Oh dear, has that cat of yours brought in another dead bird? You ok?’

I explained the whole story, this new symptom. She told me my dad sometimes had symptoms like that and I was to try my best to stay calm. Deep breaths. Did I want her to come down?

I just wanted to crawl in to bed and block out the world, but it was only 5pm.

‘Muuuuuum, I keep stabbing myself with the kitchen knife.’

‘Ah. Probably a good idea to put that down for now. How about some cheese on toast?’

We talked a bit more and I felt better, but in the back of my mind I was thinking, pah, for all my positive thinking and getting on with life, MS still holds all the cards.

Around half an hour later, as quickly as they had arrived, the tremors stopped. My panic hasn’t.

What if it happens again?

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12 thoughts on “Identity Theft

  1. Christine Mountford says:

    Oh God!, How scary for, so glad the tremors stopped. You amaze me all the time with your stoicism in the face of the rottenness MS chucks at you. Your Mum sounds like a very calm voice of sense, you’re lucky to have her.
    I look forward to reading your posts and every time think I should cope better, after all, if you can do it then so can I. But if anything, I give in too easily and retreat to my bed, leaving my family to get on with it! After all, I can always tidy the house, once they’ve gone out the next day. Can’t I?
    Sending you hugs, lots of positive, mendy sort of vibes. Hope your life settles back down and becomes less dramatic soon. xxxx

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Such a lovely response, thank you so much!
      Mum’s great and literally lives two streets away. She keeps me grounded!
      It was just such a frightening, out of the blue thing to happen. I think that’s the scariest thing. There was absolutely no indication, apart from the weirdy MS episode the day before, but we all get those weird exacerbations.
      It just throws everything up in the air again!!

  2. Jadey Fung says:

    Just remember to breathe! Yes ms is a cunt, but it’s all okay! This disease will not beat all us with multiple sclerosis and arthritis!! 🙂 just remember to put the kettle on and drink tea! It’s okay! 🙂 yes of course it’s scary as hell when relapses happen! 🙁 but you know that it will pass! 🙂

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Very, very true!!
      I didn’t write though that I also poured boiling water over my hand instead of the coffee cup, gah 🙁
      Am trying to stay very positive. It may never happen again.
      Then again, it might. Meh.

  3. Shandy says:

    I understand that feeling of panic all too well. I was lulled into a false sense of security in June by a mri scan that showed no ms activity in my brain.. I was so happy and thinking maybe they’d made a mistake and I didn’t even have ms just 3 old lesions…. My spine had other ideas. I lost all strength down my right side. Arm and leg were as weak as a kitten and I had tremors. No warning other than a weird sensation of coldness no pain, just normally going about my business and *clicks fingers* I was suddenly lopsided with tremors. The panic was the worst… I’m fine now after massive steroid doses and just left with numb fingertips. I can’t control what happens in the future and neither can you but we can try and control the fear… I said try. It’s hard but don’t let ms take your humour. Be fearless. Life is too short to waste on worrying about that ms bastard. Much love xxx

    • stumbling in flats says:

      I love your comment and it really sounds like you experienced something very similar to me. I mean, I only had Campath just over 7 weeks ago, so I kind of think I’m invincible. It’s definitely the click of the fingers like you say. Out of the blue, unexpected, without warning. That’s the worst 🙁
      And like you said too, it’s about controlling the fear and it’s definitely something I need to work on.

  4. tony cardis says:

    Well that’s put me off lettuce, it’s a bummer just when you think MS has thrown everything at you up comes a new one. I find the support from fellow MSers helps me get through this ride, Keep on blogging

    • stumbling in flats says:

      You’re absolutely right – I don’t know where I’d be without fellow MSers!
      As for lettuce, ugh. Can’t look at them now 🙁

  5. Judy Epstein says:

    Hi my ms friend, It’s so good you can call and talk to your mum about this, what happens and whatever may happen. Such a comfort. And then it passes, thank God.
    Best wishes,

    • stumbling in flats says:

      It sure is. It was great just to ramble on to her about everything as it was happening. She’s a star 🙂

  6. Rachel says:

    My mums fab as well and listens to me going on about various symptoms. She tries to keep me being positive yes I have MS but it doesn’t have me!!! Altogether now and repeat xx

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