Wardrobe Malfunction

Bella EmbergSo the great news is I’ve been shortlisted for an MS Society Award and the ceremony will be held at The Dorchester in October.

The bad news is the ceremony will be held at The Dorchester in October. October! Four weeks today to be precise.

I have been googling ‘Drop A Tonne of Weight in 28 Days’, but short of swallowing a tapeworm, I’ve resigned myself to looking more like Bella Emberg from the Roly Polys (see left) than Cara Delevingne’s frumpy cousin.

Steroids, fatigue and a complete sense of inertia have conspired to pack on the weight over the last two years. I hold my hands up (hang on, let me just put my Cheezy Puffs down), it’s my fault too. When your whole world is falling apart, what’s a box or two of Maltesers going to add to it? And that lovely creamy Greek yoghurt with added honey just sweetens the bitter pill.

The phrase ‘I have nothing to wear’ has never been more apt. Problem number one – flat shoes – how to look suitably glamorous in them? Even if I could squeeze myself into a beguiling little cocktail number, surely the effect would be ruined without even a tiny heel?

A friend helpfully suggested I should forget all about wearing a dress and choose a smart trouser suit instead. And invest in a head-to-toe Spanx bodysuit. And have one of those miracle weight-loss treatments three hours before, where you get wrapped up in clingfilm and covered in towels. Hmm. I would quite possibly faint from MS heat intolerance and spend the ceremony lying comatose across three chairs in the nearest A&E.

Problem number two – how to look glam in a trouser suit without looking like I’m going to a job interview? Problem number three – how to not stumble/drop food down myself/smash a glass during the event. Do you think they’d mind if I took one of my plastic wine glasses along? And a bib?

You can see why I’m a bit worried. And not only that, when I asked The Teenager what he’d be wearing, he mumbled, ‘hoodie, innit, but don’t stress, I’ll wear my smart trainers’. Ye gods.

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30 thoughts on “Wardrobe Malfunction

  1. Chris says:

    Well done you that’s great news .
    Wear something easy, no buttons and zips ! Nice smart flat shoes and a smile 🙂 have fab day enjoy x

  2. Sally says:

    The Dorchester. Fantastic! Have fun. Best of luck with the award too. Treat yourself to some lovely new jewel coloured flats. It’ll make any outfit feel better. That’s my theory anyway.

    • stumbling in flats says:

      You’re absolutely right! Looking forward to the whole experience. Have just arranged for The Teenager to have time off school – told them it would be good for his all-round education, lol.

  3. Helen says:

    Hi Stumbling, I’ve only recently found you and your blog – and wanted to say thank you for capturing so much about MS with such insight and wit. And having had PPMS for 15 years, I am v familiar with the horrors of ‘occasion wear’ (and weight gain) !! You are much too stylish to need any tips, but do please post a pic – I’d love to see your formula for the event – and many congratulations!!

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Aw, thanks Helen!! Lovely comment.
      I will definitely be posting pics (after I’ve airbrushed them of course!). My son’s learning Photoshop at school – handy.

  4. dunc says:

    hey, were off to the awards as well, yvonne nominated as fundraiser of the year.
    I wore shorts and trainers last year, i was told this was not on the dress code when we went out for a few champagne cocktails.
    we were with a winner from paisley and his mum, she told them in no uncertain terms. looking fwd to meeting you.
    Dunc n yvonne

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Hi there!
      Think people would faint if I turned up in shorts, lol.
      Well done on your nomination – be great to meet you guys!

  5. Angela Waldram says:

    Big Congratulations.
    As for weight … I can relate to that. I’m now 2 and 1/2 stone heavier then I was a year ago for exactly the same reasons … But there is always something you can wear that makes you feel good. Whatever you wear you will look absolutely fine. Don’t worry … worrying will only make you eat more 🙂 xx

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Thanks Angela!
      That pretty much sounds like me. I still get a shock every time I look in the mirror, lol. Son calls me The Chubster, meh.
      As for worrying, yup, you’re absolutely right. I ate rather a large carrot cake last night whilst flicking through fashion mags.

  6. First: YAY on being nominated. That is totes amazing!
    Second: I have given it seconds of thought and have solved your wardrobe problem: a camouflage muumuu.
    Third: Where are you going? Hear me out! You can slip a cooling vest underneath its billowy form; the camouflage pattern will mask any spilled food/drink, plus it’s a TOTES HIP look these days; and no one will be able to see your flats…I think you can see by now that this is the ideal answer! With a beaded turban and a feather perched on top (think old-timey movies where glam stars wore these), you’ll be all the rage. Even if you don’t win the award, which I hope you do, you’ll surely win something for the outfit? (Like a trip to the mental ward?!)

    p.s. I hope you know I wasn’t intending to poke fun at any weight gain you’re experiencing…

  7. its an award to deal with MS, pretty sure flats will be the norm 😉

    have a fun time!

  8. Jenny Best says:

    Congratulations. This is great news and well deserved.
    I know that feeling of ‘what to wear because I’ve plumped up so much’ (damn you MS though have to also agree that it’s kinda my own fault too!). I tend to go to these award ceremonies in trouser suit or all black with a lush brightly coloured, very expensive scarf. Flat shoes can be ok. I always go in my wheelchair which hides a multitude of sins. Apart from my singing commitments I also go around as a speaker at functions…..both need me to be looking smart. Not easy when just getting dressed can wipe me out.
    I hope you and your son have a wonderful time.
    With my best wishes,
    Jenny x

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Thank you so much Jenny!
      I don’t think I’ve been dressed up for years, hence my wailing! Someone suggested a kilt on Twitter. Not a bad idea??

  9. Sally says:

    Kilt? Naw!!!!!! You will look like you’re either going to a football match or heading off to a session of the White Heather Club. You know it.

  10. Julie says:

    In my experience trying too hard can lead to a tragic wardrobe malfunction. Best to stick to what is comfortable, also, if you are worrying about how your outfit looks you’ll be more likely to trip or drop something rather than relaxing and enjoying yourself. And in any case, you are a nominee, people will already be admiring you. Good luck.

    • stumbling in flats says:

      That’s lovely of you to say, thank you!
      I am still stressing about it though, even if I’m trying to cultivate an appearance of nonchalance, lol.
      Am thinking I will stick to something black. With a splash of colour! Or maybe not. Arggghhh!

  11. Tricia says:

    Great news, well done you. Imm I love shoes, but the walk I now own, my shoes wear out in odd spots so don’t last very long, the shoes I like are to expensive, the clothes I like, they don’t do in my size. Help food is my comfort, how do I change 40 odd years of eating junk food. Imm mm

    But I will get there I hope

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Thank you! You definitely will! I have been very brave tonight – put down my Cadbury Bubbly bar, lol. Am trying to be strict!
      Mind you, the Pregabalin and steroids don’t help. Or the inertia. Or the lolling on the sofa, snoozing away. Meh.

  12. David says:

    Hi well known person, how are you today, any news on the shingles?
    I love the piece on the waiting room
    When do you want some more of my typing’s?

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Hi there!
      Thanks for the compliment 🙂
      The doctor isn’t sure about shingles, but thinks it’s some sort of viral-y thing so has put me on another course of anti-virals just in case. And to top it off, I might have a gastro infection too, lol. The joys! So more tests…
      Will publish the post you sent me soon, don’t worry!

  13. david says:

    No its ok you have a lot going on at the moment, your on a lot of anti stuff.

    That’s 1way to lose weight a touch of gastro as long as you don’t get the brown rain as they say.
    You concentrate getting better my piece can wait.

    My gp is sending me for an MRI he thinks I might have cervical sponylosis, because of the plns and needlles in my hands and legs and hands going numb
    So apart from putting my kettle in the fridge and fuit juice on weetabix I’m ok
    I think , well have a good night, x

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Oh you poor thing! Hope it’s not that, but also hope you get some answers.
      Would be an interesting way to lose weight in time for the ceremony!!

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