What Gives?

escape2016 has been a cruel year.

A seriously ill relative.

Three health scares, one after the other, including debilitating flu.

Too much unexpected time off work, so less money coming in.

And MS is playing up.

All in all, when I raised my solitary glass of champagne as the last dregs of 2015 drained away, I could never have foreseen just how much my world would change only a few short weeks later.

Back in 2012, when I was first diagnosed with MS, I had one aim – to ensure The Teenager had as happy a life as possible, despite everything. And I’ve succeeded (ish), until now.

I’m rushing around, working, studying, catching up with Ill Relative Business. I’ve cancelled book club, haven’t been out with friends for three months and I can’t remember the last time I did something just for fun.

I’m months behind in my Uni work – my Next Great Novel is on hold. I pray I can carve out some time to catch up. I’m floundering.

So, what gives? What can I let go of?

I look a mess. My hair is straggly and un-cut. I veer from over-eating to existing on adrenalin and Lucozade. My plans to create a Scandinavian-style capsule wardrobe have been shelved. There’s mould in the bathroom and I just can’t be bothered to sort it out.

We all have to cope with unexpected scenarios and juggle a stupid amount of balls in the air. Behind it all, MS looms large. My foot drop is back with a vengeance and my memory seems to be shot to pieces. I can barely remember what week we’re in – in short, normal life is on hold.

But – I’m trying. Even the simple stuff like keeping on top of the laundry is keeping me sane. If I can meal plan a few days in advance, it’s a result. And if I can get to work and put in a full day (although my nickname’s ‘Half-Shift’), it’s all good.

Yet in the back of my mind, I fear the relapse. I fought back through a horrendous bout of the ‘flu, but a relapse is different. It will pin me down and not let go. And what do I do then?

Despite it all, I am trying to remember to look on the bright side of life. There’s daffodils for sale, the sun is shining and I am still going strong-ish.

I’ll get there. Won’t I?

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12 thoughts on “What Gives?

  1. Kirsty says:

    Simple. ……….. Yes you will. Cause we always have to get there. Keep strong, remember what you/we put up with MS. Big hugs. Xx

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Thank you 🙂
      We sure do. Sometimes it would be handy if the world just stopped for a couple of days so we could catch up!

  2. Teresa McTernan says:

    Hi there – if anyone will get there you will. You’re so full of intelligence, good humour and positivity. This has been a horrid start for 2016 but if you think of it, anyone – even without a sniff of MS – would be so proud to have brought up a lovely son (although I do know that task is ongoing and he still needs you), not to talk of all your academic achievements, your blog (that is so good for all of us!)your social events and your job be it full time or part time. You make me feel tired sometimes you do so much. I know it’s hard when we have to say no to friends but at some level I think (hope) they understand…these hard times will pass but am thinking of you…T

    • stumbling in flats says:

      Thank you!
      Yup it’s tough, but I hope I can look back on this year and see it as a challenge I got through. I guess we always find some kind of inner strength, no matter what the situation.

  3. Share says:

    I am a very blunt person, no rose colored glasses here. Yes you will and yes you must. What is the alternative? dig a hole, lay down and cover yourself up with earth??? You have the strength, I am not talking actual physical but more inner core, in every cell strength to battle this MonSter. You have no choice, you must show “The Teenager” you can and will deal with what life throws at you. Our children are sponges. They are watching how we act, react, and deal with every situation. They learn how to be a better human being and related to those in need by helping us. MS sucks yes it sure does…but does it have to steal our inner self , no way!!!

    • stumbling in flats says:

      You are absolutely right – there isn’t an alternative.
      At the moment it’s just a case of one foot in front of the other, despite the pesky foot drop lol.

  4. Jane says:

    You will get through it. You will. You are doing bloody well. Bloody but unbowed I think is the term. I’m finally killing off the relapse I started in October, but it’s been loads better since Christmas. I’m like you though dreading everything else, mostly flu. There are things that have helped hugely and I recommend them freely: bed, Baileys, chocolate, diazepam, sunglasses, opera on loud, led Zeppelin on loud, total silence, @triton748, audiobooks and swearing, lots of swearing.

    • stumbling in flats says:

      I love your list – especially the chocolate and Bailey’s. What could be nicer!
      p.s. swearing also helps hugely…

  5. Jonny says:

    Spring is on its way…the summer is coming. I really do wish it that ‘it would get/make a bit of a move on!’ The plan this weekend is to see the SNOWDROPS. I really do want to get some use out of my National Trust membership. If I miss their Weekend ‘Snowdrop Event’ there’s always the Bluebell event…I guess\hope!


  6. Sally says:

    If you’ve been fighting the flu then you could be quite a while till your ms’y stuff calms down. Keep telling yourself that. You’ve bounced back before, you will again (and springs on its way – I hope)

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